u/Ok_Basil_8515

Hey all. Some of you are familiar with my story, but to keep it super short my brother killed himself after finally being served a warrant for child sexual abuse that my parents coddled him with leaving me estranged with everyone.

I’m knee deep in grief and just trying to stay alive most of the time. My kid is 4, and she’s going to preschool 3 days a week starting next month so I’m really hoping that gives me some space to grieve, do my own online college, etc. but as of right now it’s me and her 24/7 and it’s traumatizing me honestly. I used to be a preschool teacher and wanted to keep her home for this age to do all the fun things I would do with my students and I feel like a horrible parent because I don’t have capacity for any of that shit anymore after everything that’s happened. Screen time is out the ass just to get by and it makes me feel bad.

We technically gentle parent but I call it authoritative or intentional parenting because it’s not like she always gets her way. However I was raised emotionally neglected and abused and was called a bitch from a very young age by my mom. I remember feeling like I was an annoyance to her and she’d be happier without the stress of a kid and the impact that had on my psyche even today. I want to protect my kid so bad from this but I feel like I’m constantly being a bitch to her. I’m at capacity anyways and then big little-kid feelings are just a lot for me and I don’t yell or call names obviously but my tone is just so much more bothered than it usually would be when I had more capacity.

Basically I’m just asking for help to get my shit together in the moment because it feels like my own speaking bring up cptsd reactions from hearing my own mom talk to me and I don’t know if I’m actually being cruel to her or if I’m just having emotional flashbacks to my own childhood but either way it’s a vicious cycle that makes everything so much worse.

Hello I was the girl with the fucked up family who coddled my brother after a CSA allegation, became estranged for the sake of myself and my own child, then found out the warrant hit and he died by suicide.

My mom was worried because she hadnt heard from him all day when the warrant came out. because she was worried about how he’d react if the cops showed up, she sent the new girlfriend he apparently had while living out of state. She found him. And had zero idea what the fuck was happening or why because no one had told her any of the allegations. She’s young and in a helping field, so please send healing thoughts or prayers her way. I am heartbroken for her in all of this too.

I got a call from mom which I didn’t pick up and talked to my aunt about it instead, very traditional funeral where nothing is being talked about. Got very mad and told my aunt to let them know not to contact me for any reason in the future because I’m not a safe person to try and interact with right now I want to rip into them so fucking bad. But I was planning on going to the funeral and sitting in the back just for my own closure.

Then I got a text from my parents, they don’t think “I’m ready” to be there and I can go see his body alone with my family before they do anything public but I will not be allowed at the funeral or viewing. I just blocked them. I have nothing to say, and that was the final thread I think. I realized they have never had my interest in heart even when grieving my brother because the narrative that protects them right now is continuing to make me the bad guy.

One of his friends reached out to me as well as a different friends mom, and a very few family members. Being able to talk about him without an assumption I wanted this was so nice it made me cry for a long time. Then made me really mad that this is what I’m missing out on, community who knows he had his problems but saw the full picture and still had hope and love for him. It’s such a complex grief.

The funeral was yesterday. My dad got up and talked for a long time, just little memories of him. But at the end he said he was asking god why, a lot of what ifs and wishes… I was expecting anything but what he said next. “I wish I could have hugged him tighter. I wish I could have said I love you again. But we have absolutely no regrets after seeing the outpouring and love and impact he had on others. I would have done it all over the exact same way. This was laid out long before this, and he had a short race to run but I know he finished it and is in heaven now”.

I’m raging. I feel like they’re kicking rocks at him putting on a pony show. My brother will now always be very young. I have no idea if someone with these issues can be rehabbed but I believe before we found out about this he had a very bright future ahead of him and I wanted to do whatever we could do help him find a semblance of that again even though I was mad at him and didn’t personally want to contact him until the charges were out because I knew he was lying to our parents and didn’t want him to lie to me too.

Cherry on top to finish this update, they included like 2 pictures of me with him and my cousin in the live streamed slideshow but a ton of everyone else one on one. He was my brother and my mom ALWAYS had her camera in her hand, so it’s just wild to know they just erased me. I have always had a very complicated relationship with my brother and I will always grieve that we never had a chance to get to really know each other in any significant way besides finding this out about him. I love him and I’m not the monster my family wants to say I am and I’m tired of fighting against that but I won’t give up on my truth. Thanks for reading yall

I lost my brother to suicide, after finding out he’d have CSA allegations and fighting for a year to get him accountability and resources to hopefully redirect his life as he’s so young. I ended up no contact with my family because they all say I just hate him and want his life ruined, but really I’m the only one willing to face the hard thing head on and not pretend everything is just normal. His charges finally hit and he killed himself the same day. Been the worst grief process of my life and I’d love any songs that
Could help feel less alone

I’ve been estranged from my only sibling and my parents for the past few months because of allegations on my sibling that I wanted taken seriously and they wanted brushed under the rug. Warrant went out for sibling yesterday, and he killed himself. This grief is insane and I still haven’t processed that in my head yet, just found out.

How do I deal with my parents and family, the funeral, etc, I feel an obligation to reconnect and support them but I also feel so emotionally sensitive and still torn on all the things I was before. Has anyone gone through this? Literally any advice appreciated