I can't get past a bad experience
So, I graduated last summer, and I started out by working as a mobile massage therapist. I'd been working for a couple months, slowly finding my feet, and there were problems with, like a lot of inquiries from creeps, but I found a few good clients and I was at least doing the thing. I was actually pretty stoked.
Then I had something really scary happen.
There were no red flags during booking, he was completely respectful and normal over text and on the phone. He booked a 90 minute relaxation appointment, focus on shoulders and low back, whatever. So I go to this guy's place for his session.
It's a beautiful (I looked it up later,) 3 million dollar beach house, right on the water, stunning ocean view, I greet him and his two little dogs, hes a normal looking surferish dude in his late 30s, I do my setup, intake, he signs the health history form and consent form, I leave the room, "get undressed to your comfort level and under the sheet, start face down, let me know when you're ready," he calls me back in, and I go to get started.
When I undrape his back, my head explodes.
This man has, extending from the *base of his neck to the bottom of his ribs* a giant fucking N*zi tattoo.
He's got the Iron Cross, with the eagle, with a gorramn fucking swastika in it's claws. It's staring at me like a living thing, this huge hate symbol, and I'm like, my mind is just *reeling!*
"Shit, shit, shit, omgwhatdoIdo?! Do I refuse service? Do I say something? What do I DO? Okay, breathe. You're here to help, not to judge. You're not supposed to comment on people's bodies. You don't know this person. *yeahbutthegiantfuckinghatesymboltho??* You don't know his story. Give the benefit of the doubt, that might not represent who he is now... Maybe he got it a long time ago, maybe he HAD to get it or something. Just, don't say anything, do your job, you need the money,"
Okay.
I should have left. I didn't.
So I just try to ignore the damn thing and I get on with the bodywork. But I CAN'T focus with that... thing... shouting at me. Honestly I was doing pretty crap work, just could not find my flow state, I was rattled af, and also feeling self conscious that I was letting it get to me and giving a bad massage, but I got through it and then it was time for him to turn over, and at least I won't have to LOOK AT THAT THING or touch it, at least this day can't get worse, so, re-drape, go ahead and turn over when you're ready.
It got worse.
He had a giant boner when he turned over. He asked me for sex work. I refused. At this point I've just made peace with the fact that I'm going to die there, but I'm not touching N*zi dick, not even to save my life. I ended the session, I don't even remember packing up, but thank god he'd paid in advance, and I ran out of there so fast I left my favorite flip flops behind.
I get home, and I started thinking about how fucked up everything is. That's when I looked up his 3 million dollar beach house. That's when I realized that, someone who can afford a *3 million dollar beach house* could easily get a tattoo removed or covered up if it didn't represent who he was anymore. That's when I got pissed off that someone so blatantly evil was living his best life on the beach with millions, while some of the best people I know have struggled their whole lives.
I saw one more client after that. And honestly they were perfectly lovely, but I just felt so uncomfortable and unsafe the whole time. I can't even do friends and family now. Like, I just cannot get past what happened. Which was... Not much, honestly. He didn't hurt me, he didn't assault me. I got out of there with my table and everything, I even got paid. I should have just left when I saw the tattoo. I should have been able to give him my best work once I'd decided to stay.
I really love massage, and I'd like to get over this and get back out there. I feel like maybe I'm not good enough because I handled things all wrong. I dunno. It's been months. I should be past this by now.
Anyone here have an awful story? How did you move on and did you ever find your joy and your confidence again? How do I do that?