Has anyone experienced this?
Hello Reddit,
First and foremost this is kind of a throwaway account because I'm not prepared to nor do I feel safe should some people I know find this post.
I never thought I would write this, but things have started to become overwhelming and I would love to hear from anyone who might have gone through similar circumstances.
I'm 27 AMAB, and for the past 2 years I have been questioning my gender identity. It started with a video from YukkoEx which youtube suggested. This video slowly lead me through the rabbit hole of trans creators until I stumbled upon one of those "signs you might be trans" videos. At first there was not much I could directly relate to. If I remember correctly I related mostly to wanting to play exclusively female characters, and having thought that my life would be a lot better if I had been born female.
This made me ponder, but I quickly put it down to escapism. But as the days go on I keep coming back to this thought. At first I thought it impossible because I'm not particularly interested in conventional feminine things. But now I begin to look back upon my life and realise just how many times I've dreamt or wished to just wake up in a female body. I've lived most of my online life as a girl until I stopped because of the shame I felt should anyone I knew IRL find out. I once even found a magical witchcrafty ritual to change gender and tried it out (childish but I've always had a bit of whimsy in me 😅).
Reading this I imagine many of you may already be thinking or even commenting that it is pretty clear I am trans. But the reason why I've decided to write this post is because I've been dealing with apathy. Since I can remember I've never particularly felt happy, or sad, or even angry. Instead I experience fleeting and muted emotions such as excitement and annoyance, but most of the time I just feel empty. Many times I've questioned my own humanity. I feel like a monster just going through life. Why can't I feel happy when everything in my life is going well and I'm surrounded by loved one? Why can't I feel sad when I loose someone? Why can't I be angry when I'm disrespected or recall the abuse I've been through? Why is everything just a fact and holds no emotions attached? Why am I empty?
This is the reason why I've come here. How can I find out if transitioning is the right thing for me when crossdressing or being addressed as female or called by a chosen name just feels indiferent? Will transitioning bring my emotions back? Will I be able to cry and rage and laugh like when I was a kid again?
Before anyone comments it, yes, I am in therapy. But it is a struggle. My therapist often asks me questions about how certain events made me feel and tells me to focus on my bodies reactions to these events. But answering these questions feels performative for me. It feels like my brain intuits what a normal emotional response to the event should be and my body unconsciously reacts to it. I'm working on trying to feel more and think less, but I still have a long journey ahead of me it seems.
Any ways, we return to my question. Has any of you experienced anything similar? Is there hope for me?
Thank you for reading this.