Lying to therapist about symptoms
I think I have a personality disorder. I don't want to be one of *those* self-diagnosing people, so I have dismissed this concern for a long time - especially because I was a teenager when I thought this and put it down to hormones. Since being in my 20s however, my issues have not changed.
I have not had a stable long-term relationship ever, and all of them seem to explode in a big drama. Each person that has previously been close to me I now hate, and each relationship breakdown had its own reason and in each situation I didn't believe myself to be the problem, but looking at the pattern I guess there is only one common denominator. I have only developed this self-awareness recently.
I do not know who I am when I'm alone, and for the first time in a while, I have been completely alone for months after losing all of my friends, and insecurity is preventing me from putting myself out there and meeting new people. Having no one to model my personality around has resulted in a lot of self-destructive behaviour. Most days I stay in my house, isolated, engaging in eating disordered behaviour and using weed and alcohol to make the hours go by faster as I feel numb all of the time.
I have been to therapy to address my day to day issues, and in all my 5 years of therapy I don't think I have been honest. I am not lying intentionally, but perhaps by omission. I have a tendency to seek approval from each therapist and I want to maintain an identity as a good person, so I either don't tell them about my problematic behaviours (that is when I know I have acted inappropriately), or I twist the situation to make myself appear as a victim. I know I do this deep down but I also lie to myself about my behaviour. For example I lie to myself and say that I attempted suicide when I was younger because I was depressed, but in reality I did it because I was desperate for my ex's attention. Or another time I lied about being sexually assaulted, and have genuinely formed false memories of this experience. As a result I feel that therapy does not work for me because I instinctively and effortlessly lie. I also lie if I feel that my therapist would drop me as a client, for example I would never tell a therapist of my suicidal ideation in fear that they would leave. When I do CBT, it is very focused on the current issues I experience, and therapists rarely ask me for history, so I feel that a lot of these symptoms are missed in this way as well.
I have a history of lying for attention, self harm, substance abuse, eating disorders, unstable relationships and putting myself in risky sexual situations. I feel I do have something wrong with me and I want to know what it is so I can understand it all. I know I am the problem and just want to know if I am fixable. Obviously this is not much information but do you guys think I could potentially have a personality disorder? If so, do you have advice on keeping yourself accountable, dropping the act and being honest with your therapist? It feels impossible to me