My Mom just died and my MIL is getting on my nerves
So my mom died about 3 weeks ago. She had been in and out of the hospital but her death was still unexpected and very devastating. My MIL sent me condolences pretty shortly after hearing the news. That was initially nice and thoughtful.
For context I live out of state from my parents and my husband and I went immediately to my hometown where my parents live. It was my mother’s wish to be buried as soon as possible in accordance with her faith. I’m also 4 months pregnant too, all the family knows, and my mother thankfully knew.
So mother dies, I’m pregnant, grieving, and we are all there for the funeral, trying to help our father with bills and cleaning up. He’d been the main caretaker for our mother and he asked us to help him sort through her things and clean up.
A day after she dies my MIL texts me and my husband “How’s it going?” I was a little peeved at the causal tone. I know I’m grieving and reading into it maybe a little more. I don’t respond and I don’t give it any more attention. But then a few days after we bury her, my MIL texts us again this time it’s asking us if we want some of her junk. She’s moving houses and states with her husband (my husband’s stepdad) for warmer climate. My husband had to go back to work and I was still at my parents sorting through my dead mom’s things with my siblings and Dad. I was pissed, I told my husband to check his mother. I called my husband crying and told him that his mother was heartless, she is the same age as my mother, and her own mother is still alive. I was livid she was being so casual asking us if we wanted some dumb junk of hers. And how nice it must be for MIL to be happily packing and planning her stupid life. My husband tried to provide some perspective, saying “Well maybe she’s trying to get us to think about the future.” I told him until he or his mother kisses the cold dead body of their mother for the last time I don’t fucking care for their perspective. That shut him up, he apologized, and he spoke to his mother. Not sure what he said but I frankly don’t care.
MIL texted us again about a week after we buried my Mom. She wants to come visit and stay with us for Father’s Day weekend. I did not respond and left it to my husband. I told him privately I don’t really want to see her or be around her. We got into a minor argument about it, he made the point it’s my grief and I’m directing my anger towards his mother. I don’t disagree but I also don’t really care about her feelings and her wants/needs. I still have some time till Father’s Day weekend but I’m really dreading having to spend an extended period of time with her.
I know I’m pregnant and grieving my mother’s death but I’ve gotten much more empathy from complete strangers than my MIL. I recently went and got my hair cut. This woman was so kind to me and shared her mother died a few years ago. My MIL tried calling me on Mother’s Day, I declined her call. I really want little to do with her for some time. Am I crazy? Am I being too much? Am I valid for feeling upset and angry?
**************Edit/Update************************
For clarification purposes, I haven’t spoken or had any contact with MIL. I just don’t think I am in the right space to do that. Lashing out at her isn’t an option and it will only cause everyone including myself, more pain. I can really only talk at length to my spouse, Dad, siblings and a few close friends who have also lost loved ones.
Nor do I think MIL is a bad person or villain in any way. I generally get along with her, she can be a bit passive aggressive and kinda clueless, which my DH has pointed out. But again she’s not a bad person.
After reading some folks comments, I get it and do see I am so raw and just straight up angry at death. I know my anger is misdirected and that happens to be at my MIL. I also find myself getting mad at watching the same commercials when I watch tv as a distraction. But I find it’s much easier to internally laugh at myself for that reaction.
I think I’m just really annoyed at MIL for her own clunky attempts at what I perceive as her rushing my timeline. It’s my mother and my grief. I know she’s lost loved ones, just not her own mother. So how would she know what that experience is like? She simply doesn’t. What she’s “offering” to me feels really shallow. I don’t want her hand me downs, her visit, or her small talk right now.
MIL should be happily planning her move and life, but do I need to see it right now? Not really. I appreciate the perspective everyone has offered. I do really feel like I need time and my own space. Rushing into having a visitor just feels so overwhelming. Or the option of going to visit my father for that weekend sounds very appealing if he’s up for it.
I think I really needed some perspective of folks who don’t know all the details, histories, or the people. This is my first parent to die and just really, really sad and hard. I genuinely thank you internet people for taking the time to listen and allow me to vent.