I dont know if i regret starting recovery
I finally went and admitted myself to a care facility, and oh my god - I hate it. And I feel bad saying that, the nurses and care staff are really nice and try their best to support me. But, even though I'm eating the meals they give me - all I can think about is when it's finally "acceptable" for me to leave, when my family aren't going to watch me closely at home, how quickly can I lose the weight I put on? And at that point I'm asking myself, do I even want this? Because I FEEL like I do, but I REALLY don't at the same time.
I ended up collapsing at the facility so I was hospitalised and im now hooked to a feeding tube, which means the care staff aren't here to watch to make sure I'm not exercising or whatever but are still here to watch me eat at meal times. And i hate the feeding tube and the normal eating, as i can only guess how many calories im consuming right now - and its not a number i like. And even though I'm so weak right now, whenever I have the energy and whenever I'm not chained to my feeding tube I'm going outside to walk around till it feels like I could collapse again, just to TRY and burn some of the calories.
I hate this, I hate the idea of putting on weight, but I also hate the idea that I'm gonna be in hospital or care facilities forever if I keep being counterproductive with my weight restoration.
The eating makes me feel sick, I'm not hungry and yet I've got to force feed myself because I know its what I need to do. But I just don't want to do this anymore. But if I don't do this, then I'll die eventually and I don't want to die - I want to go back to school and be able to see and speak to my family.
I hate this internal battle, I didn't think it would be so hard and confusing. Like obviously I knew it was gonna be hard - but I never thought I'd be there crying over eating a bowl of cereal, I feel pathetic. I hate the feeling of wanting to recover, but at the same time doing everything I can to sabotage my own recovery.
How long does it take to feel normal again? I've forgotten how to eat, chew and swallow like a normal person - I've forgotten how to live how I lived before, my ED feels like all I've ever known. What comes after recovery? Is there anything after, or is it just called living like a normal person? How does a normal person live? How does a person live without constantly thinking about losing weight, controlling food, exercise?
I feel like I'm losing my mind, I can't articulate my thoughts to others like I'm trying to here. I'm a crazy person, but I want to stay crazy, It makes me feel dead and alive.
When does recovery get easier? Does it, or will it be a constant battle for the rest of my pathetic life?