After an emotionally tumultuous 3 years of TTC, this month felt a bit different. I had all the early pregnancy symptoms and allowed myself to flirt with the idea that this might be it. Finally. And then I got my period. It feels so exhausting to go through this month after month. Some days I just feel like I can’t go on. The pain of trying to be a mother is too much to bear sometimes and yet I can’t stop wanting it.
I had an interesting experience yesterday whilst at a jazz festival. I stopped at one of the smaller stages where the female vocalist came on and started singing ‘I just want to make love to you’ by Etta James. All of a sudden, emotions started bubbling inside me. I felt choked with a sense of overwhelm. It was almost as if the song had stirred up something that had been lying dormant in my cellular memory. Tears stung my eyes. I was confused because it felt oddly disproportionate to have this sort of reaction to a generally cheery song. Then I began to get glimpses that I was a jazz musician once upon a time. There was an accompanying feeling of sadness with an unshakable feeling of nostalgia and familiarity of a passion I once possessed in another life. I looked up the song - it came out in 1960. I was so sure I was alive then. And that it was a tough life.
I then walked over to my husband and burst into tears. The whole thing left me quite shaken up and confused. Has anyone experienced something similar?