I follow the Josh Duggar trial and I remember hearing that the prison he was in had a special program for people who commit crimes like his (and like P's brother's) so I googled it. I don't have the energy to look up much more but maybe someone else knows when brother was in prison vs when the move happened.
"FCI Seagoville is one of the designated Sx Offder Management Program (SOMP) facilities within the Federal Bureau of Prisons"
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CW: NSFW. Unhealthy bpd. Memory lapses and other symptoms pointing to possible OSDD or DID complicating things. I know I'm in a neglectful at the least relationship. I know I'm sick. Also sex, nonmonogamy, cheating, std, stigmatizing language due to self hate (not something I truly believe, just feelings being vented)
I don't want advice. Especially advice saying I should leave them. I know I should. I know that with my whole being. As much as I know that I can't. I just need to get this off my chest. I know how pathetic it is. I'm cursed with a self awareness that is like watching a scared, fire breathing bull in a crowded ceramics and paper art museum. I pity myself. I hate myself. I despise the destruction. I recognize the sickness and the neglect. If you don't want to read this and it will just piss you off (totally understandable) just don't.
When we began dating, it was supposed to be monogamous. Despite us both wanting to experience ENM at some point (we had a lot of friends who were enm and I already experienced it once before) we wanted to build a solid foundation first...Or so I thought.
It's been rocky the whole time to say the least. They are very into casual sex. They are kind of a disgustingly desperate fuckboi about it tbh. I feel like I'm being kink shamey or something so I squash that down but it kinda icks me out.
They cannot express themselves in a way that makes me feel seen, wanted, and loved. I've tried everything I can think of and then some to make that happen. They seem perfectly capable of hitting on the people they want to fuck, but can't use the same words to make me feel desired.despite being directly told how to do so and the words they could use.
I'm a sick fuck who watches videos, reads books, takes classes on, listens to podcasts, and talks with friends about things like ethics, theories, philosophies, etc in kink, nonmonogamy, and just relationships in general. I try to consume everything I can think of that might possibly help me or them or us.
Then...we received positive test results for HSV1.To complicate these feelings, I did find out recently while looking for the initial test that after their first positive test, the Dr sent an email "your labs are normal." So I don't think I can blame them *entirely* for this one anymore. However, the agreement we've had has always involved protection...so IDK.
This positive result ended a relationship (and friendship) that I was building with a friend who I loved a lot. I don't blame the friend because this mess isn't something I'm even sure want to bring people into anymore, but it still hurt...a lot. I blamed my spouse for a long time. I'm not sure I still don't now...
Recently, I got a surgery which was major medically (especially being disabled and autoimmune) and also affected my self image a ton.
"We" agreed that, given neither of us had any partners at the time and with my disability and the surgery recovery, I'd need a lot of help and attention, so neither of us would be looking for anything or doing anything with anyone. They broke that agreement. More than once.
This is a pattern. Over and over. No matter how "lax" our agreement is they can't (won't) keep it. Agreement currently is: tell me for safety when and where; also so I'm not waiting for you or worried. Wear protection. That's it. And I can't trust they're following it. I can't trust them.
They're my only partner. I have tried to get to know other people and I'm not sure if it's too soon or if I'm split and it'll recover or if I'll forever have these walls, but I can't make myself invested in anyone. No trust can be built. I'm still currently being jerked around and have basically given up anything changing and am trying to work on my own acceptance.
I can't have sex often (disability and chronic pain), but I want to and I haven't been able to bring myself to have sex with anyone else in a long time (demisexual and unable to build trust or relationships at this time it seems) So I have sex with them even though I know I shouldn't and I know I can't trust them. If I enter the right headspace I can forget about that to get off.
"We" think these difficulties for them are due to some kind of mental health issues or personality disorder. They've been working with their therapist on this stuff for a couple years now without focusing on a label, but more on the symptoms and the work.
We're also starting a new family therapist soon (last one was *not* equipped...this one is a sex focused specialist) Spouse seems to be genuinely trying and wanting to fix things and "get better" as they're putting it. I want nothing more than for them to be able to but I'm just not able to trust it. I'm not sure if I ever will be able to fully.
I'm also dependent on them practically. They're my caregiver. I'm 90% housebound and 80% bedbound. As far as chores or taking care of myself, I can like walk to the bathroom and to let the dogs out but I'm not able to even keep up on keeping myself hydrated by myself.
They're my fp. I think I'm currently split on them but I still have day-long panic attacks(?) when I think too hard about not being with them. Even when I think about being platonic live-in partners.
I hate myself for needing them. Practically, emotionally, romantically, sexually. I hate myself for allowing them to treat me this way. I hate myself for not leaving when I could have. I hate myself for not being strong enough to stand on my own. I hate that nobody gave me what I needed when I was just a fucking baby and that it triggered shit and caused me to be fucking crazy and unable to be without them. I hate that I didn't finish the job the many many opportunities I've had through the years. I hate that I'm in this alone because I I tell anybody they'll hate them and want me to leave them. The primary objective in all of this is to stay alive. I don't think that will be possible if I/they leave.