u/That_Cupcake

CONTEXT:

I lift 3x per week: Monday, Wednesday, Friday. My workout usually takes 45 minutes. I typically bring my laptop into the basement and start working two hours early, answering emails between sets. I don't sweat that much, but I am very stinky after the workout. Also, I get sports bra rash if I skip the shower and just change out of gym clothes.

I cannot figure out how to get my shower routines under 1 hour. I end up signing back into work at 8am with wet hair, sometimes still in a towel. I turn my camera off during morning stand up on shower days. Then, after stand up, I can finally finish drying my hair.

I don't fart around either. I am seriously rushing the entire time. I get a "stressful period" alert from my garmin watch after I finish my shower routine every single time.

MY ROUTINE:

Start shower. While water heats up, do the following:

• bring clean clothes into bathroom
• remove post-shower skin care, sun block, and hair products from under sink to counter
• remove wedding band, a single pair of earrings, watch, glasses
• gently brush hair to remove strays
• remove gym clothes, place in laundry basket
• ~3 minutes total

Begin shower:

• rinse everything and wet hair
• shampoo hair, rinse
• condition hair, rinse
• wring out hair, put into clip
• body wash, rinse
• shave pits (once per week)
• wash feet, rinse
• turn off shower
• "squeegee" with hands excess water from body
• apply body lotion
• exit shower
• ~22 minutes if I do not shave

Post shower:

• apply face, neck, and chest skincare before skin dries
• put watch on
• clean ears, moisturize
• moisturize feet
• apply deodorant
• put skincare products away under sink
• apply face sun block around eyes/eyelids
• apply face sun block to face, neck, and chest
• apply body sun block to body and ears
• put sun block products away under sink
• apply setting powder t-zone and eyes (stops sun block from melting into my eyes)
• fill in brow gaps with pencil
• apply a few swipes of mascara
• get dressed, put on ring, earrings, glasses
• ~35 minutes and I still haven't touched my hair.

Hair:

• take out hair dryer
• remove hair clip, brush
• spray hair with water (because it's partially dry and matted down now)
• apply curly hair products
• scrunch/style
• partially diffuse
• put hair dryer and products away under sink
• rinse sink and wipe counters
• wash hands of hair products
• moisturize and sun block hands
• ~25 minutes

My everything shower routine is horrible. I hate doing them because it takes 3 hours minimum. I only do them on weekends, typically every 3 weeks. In addition to what I listed above, these routines include tinting and tweezing brows, shaving legs, trimming the bush, shaving around panty line, doing a sheet mask, removing toe nail polish, and clipping toe nails.

In the past, I've tried braiding my hair instead of diffusing. This saved a ton of time, but the moisture caused a fungal infection on my scalp. I can't wear a wet braid/bun or sleep with wet hair.

QUESTIONS:

Tell me about your shower routine. What does yours involve, how long does it take? How long is your "everything" shower routine? How long is your "I just finished in the gym but I have to sign into work soon" shower routine? Trying to figure out how others do it, and how I can optimize my time.

tl;dr: We have a lot in common and I've made countless attempts to bond with her, but she ignores or rejects invites to non-group activities, doesn't participate in conversation, and is scrolling on her phone non-stop. The friendship feels one-sided, but she often laments her lack of friends.

I want to be (better) friends with her, but it doesn't feel like this is mutual. I might not be reading the situation correctly. Should I keep trying or should I lower my expectations?

Background info: Met my best friend in high school. Later, we worked in the same office and eventually lived together as room mates for 6 years until I moved across the country. I stayed in touch with my friend, we visited each other, did group vacations with mutual friends. We were in each others weddings. This guy is basically my brother at this point. Three years ago, my friend and his wife moved to my city and are renting a place about 20 minutes from me. We're all in our late 30s.

I've never had trouble making friends, and in my experience, this process has gotten easier as I get older. My community is still under construction and new neighbors are moving in every week. I bump into new people walking dogs, start chatting, invite them to walk with me and my dog. I've made many new friends just in the last few years, and some of them have become very close friends.

Since my best friend and his wife moved, I've included them in/invited them to everything. Cookouts, movies, concerts, dinner, coffee, game night, birthdays, holidays, random come over and watch TV night. They attend together, and everyone has a great time. No drama, thankfully. But my friends wife seems to be in a constant state of distraction and disinterest. She's on her phone all the time. When I try to engage with her (I ask about work, pets, hobbies, plans), she gives polite, short, passive answers, then goes back to scrolling.

Occasionally, a conversation topic will come up that grabs her attention, but this is fleeting and her behavior is a little off-putting for lack of a better phrase. For example, I was discussing a new recipe with her husband. During the conversation, she looked up from her phone and announced she saw a video about a different recipe recently. Then, she spends 10 to 15 minutes looking for this video on her phone and shows me (with great excitement and enthusiasm). After watching it, I said the recipe looked great and asked if she's tried it. She replied, "nah, I don't like cooking. It's too much work. I just liked the video." Then she goes back to scrolling her feed.

This happens every time we get together, and it also happens in my absence. She's part of a DND group with my husband. They meet once a week at a card shop with a few other people. My husband says she's on her phone the entire time scrolling and watching videos. It apparently annoys their DND group. She distracts everyone with videos, she doesn't pay attention to the game, and she blurts out random phrases from something viral on her feed that no one else has seen. At the end of the night while people are leaving the card shop, she tells my husband she's struggled to make friends since moving and feels lonely and isolated. She's mentioned this to him numerous times. This makes me wonder if I could do better or try something different.

So I've invited her to coffee or to get our nails done (she loves her nails and gets a new manicure every few weeks). She always declines with an excuse, saying she's waiting for a phone call, has work the next day, or her friend might come into town that weekend. I know she really likes shopping, so I recently asked if she wanted to meet me at the outlet mall. I mentioned I'm looking for a specific type of sandal for summer. She replied to my message with an amazon link for the sandal. In our group chat, I'll send a meme from a movie we've all seen, a local news article, invite everyone to a free concert on the weekend, share a cute pet photo, ask if anyone wants to read a new book I heard about, on and on, but she almost never replies. When she does, it's always short and closed-ended.

This post got much longer than I intended. If you've made it this far, thank you.

I'm feeling a little defeated and very confused about all this. I'll have an opportunity to talk to my friend about his wife in person next week. In the mean time, what do y'all think?