u/TheOriginalGDC

You have cancer.

I say that not because you don’t know, but because it is constantly on my mind. We are the lucky ones, they say. There are tools to fight your cancer. To buy time. But not enough time. There will never be enough time. I know that. But knowing that our time is likely shorter than we thought; shorter than I thought, never leaves me. It is the oddest thing to grieve someone who is still here. Maybe it isn’t just you that I am grieving. It is the us that was supposed to be. After we had completed all our chores and responsibilities. The me that I will never be again. The you that is already different. Not in a bad way, but different, nonetheless.

You are scared. You don’t admit it. You bury it. At least so far. But I can see it. I can feel it. I am afraid too. I am afraid of being without you. I am afraid of you being in pain. I am afraid of trying to explain to our future grandchildren who you really are. I am afraid of them not being able to love you because they don’t really know you. They say that when the one you love dies, the person that you are, dies also, and that you will never be that same version of yourself again. Well, the old me has already died, I fear. And I know that the version which exists as I write this will die again when you do. I’m tired. My body. My mind. My spirit. I’m tired. But I feel so guilty for feeling this way. I wish I were the one with cancer instead of you. I don’t think you know how much I truly wish that were the reality. I am sorry.

I wish I were stronger, but I will do my best to hide what is really happening to me as long as I can. You should also know how grateful I am that you have given me a better life than I ever knew could have existed. I am also grateful that you are fighting like you are. I hope you can keep up that fight for many, many years to come.

But also know that if that fight becomes more than you want to deal with, I will understand when you need to just rest. You are indeed my one true love. You will walk with me every day for the entirety of my life, whether you are physically here or not. I promise to do everything I can to honor the way you would want me to be there for our boys, their future wives, and their future children.

When my day comes, please be the one who greets me in the afterlife. And I hope it is so amazing that time has no meaning there, and that as you take my hand to show me around, you tell me that you have been waiting for me all day.

I miss you.

I love you.

 

You have cancer.

I say that not because you don’t know, but because it is constantly on my mind. We are the lucky ones, they say. There are tools to fight your cancer. To buy time. But not enough time. There will never be enough time. I know that. But knowing that our time is likely shorter than we thought; shorter than I thought, never leaves me. It is the oddest thing to grieve someone who is still here. Maybe it isn’t just you that I am grieving. It is the us that was supposed to be. After we had completed all our chores and responsibilities. The me that I will never be again. The you that is already different. Not in a bad way, but different, nonetheless.

You are scared. You don’t admit it. You bury it. At least so far. But I can see it. I can feel it. I am afraid too. I am afraid of being without you. I am afraid of you being in pain. I am afraid of trying to explain to our future grandchildren who you really are. I am afraid of them not being able to love you because they don’t really know you. They say that when the one you love dies, the person that you are, dies also, and that you will never be that same version of yourself again. Well, the old me has already died, I fear. And I know that the version which exists as I write this will die again when you do. I’m tired. My body. My mind. My spirit. I’m tired. But I feel so guilty for feeling this way. I wish I were the one with cancer instead of you. I don’t think you know how much I truly wish that were the reality. I am sorry.

I wish I were stronger, but I will do my best to hide what is really happening to me as long as I can. You should also know how grateful I am that you have given me a better life than I ever knew could have existed. I am also grateful that you are fighting like you are. I hope you can keep up that fight for many, many years to come.

But also know that if that fight becomes more than you want to deal with, I will understand when you need to just rest. You are indeed my one true love. You will walk with me every day for the entirety of my life, whether you are physically here or not. I promise to do everything I can to honor the way you would want me to be there for our boys, their future wives, and their future children.

When my day comes, please be the one who greets me in the afterlife. And I hope it is so amazing that time has no meaning there, and that as you take my hand to show me around, you tell me that you have been waiting for me all day.

I miss you.

I love you.