u/TheSaladSuperhero

For context, I’m worried I won’t get the job because I used to have depressive episodes and I’ve went to the mental hospital six times. I am now on an antipsychotic and an SSRI. I am also 18 and freshly graduated.

In high stress situations I guess I just turn off my brain and lock in. I’ve witnessed my mom having a seizure. I was the only one there and as soon as I saw her seizing on the couch, I called 911 and explained what was happening. I was completely numb and emotionless when she was in the hospital both times, one for that seizure and the other for her brain tumor. I don’t process things normally, every time I see gore I can’t process it, I think it’s my brains defense mechanism to high stress situations. Every time something bad happens, I don’t process it if it were a traumatic thing, I guess. I only react poorly when an animal is hurt, honestly.

I witnessed my grandma die in front of me, I couldn’t feel anything at the time.

Of course, all of these events have caused me a lot of trauma, but what I am getting at is I don’t freak out in the moment, I stay calm.

For context, I went cyber in the beginning of the year. After I went cyber everyone just stopped talking to me and didn’t bother reaching out at all. I’ve been in a depressive and suicidal state for a few months now and I’ve seriously considered taking my life on multiple occasions.

The other day my friend messaged me and was being super mean about me never messaging her or reaching out. Mind you, I have. On multiple occasions. I ask her to hang out and she’s like “maybe on a different day, I’m busy” and then I ask her again to hang out and it’s the same thing like “oh this day is no good” so I just eventually gave up, thinking they just don’t want anything to do with me. But now I’m being blamed for giving up on reaching out? No one has bothered to text me or say “hey how are u doing” so why do I owe them my time to text them??

No one bothers to factor in how my mental state is going, they just see I stopped texting and automatically assumed I hated them, when they never took the time to actually talk to ME about it. Instead they just shit talk me and accuse me of being an awful and distant person.

Am I really the asshole?

Edit: I went cyber in school, so I’m just at home most of the time doing my work on my computer