u/TherealRidetherails

Once again, for those unfamiliar with Agenda posting, I love Sausage as a character, I'm just pushing my Anti Feather Holders Agenda one post at a time

This is all in good fun, Remember, "THIS IS ABOUT AGENDA, NOT FACTS OR GOOD WRITING, WHAT THE AUTHOR SAYS DOESN'T MATTER, WHOEVER I CALL A BUM OR A GOAT IS EXACTLY THAT"

Idk what to flair this as, there's no flair for art in general

I love stained glass (That doesn't include religious depictions)

I especially love the two pictures at the end, they're stained glass statues from the island of murano in Italy, I saw the place where they make those statues and they're gorgeous!

Tell me you guys see it too?

Idk if this is the right sub for this kind of thing, but I had to get this out. These thoughts are super unorganized so I apologize for that. I know it's Ironic that this whole post is about feeling incapable of opening up to people, and yet I'm letting a bunch of strangers online know about my deepest darkest concerns, but like I need to get this out and I feel a little safer with a wall of anonymity I guess

I guess I’ll start with, I have figured out that I am terrified to open up to people, I don’t actually have anyone in my life I trust enough to be truly vulnerable to, and my own mental state as well as my relationship with those I love is far less stable than I tricked myself into believing. I am surrounded by people who I know love me but I have never felt so alone. Every time I ran into a problem with the people I love, especially my parents, I would sweep it under the rug and try to ignore it, because they’re my parents! I’m not allowed to talk back, or make them upset, or show any kind of dissent or anything right? I just needed to grow up, I was being immature, I needed to prove to them that I’m an adult and I don’t get worked up over trivial childish things right? I needed to prove to them and to myself that I am strong and capable. I can’t talk about this kind of thing to my siblings. My older sibling left the rest of us behind and moved across the country because they hated my parents more than they loved the rest of us. They left super abruptly, even slapped my older brother for no fucking reason, and have completely cut contact with everyone except the oldest of my younger sisters. Their departure was hell for our family, everyone was struggling in one way or another, and because my parents were hit so hard, they didn’t have the mental or emotional energy to care for my siblings as much as they wanted to and as much as my siblings needed, and so I took up the mantle, I was there for them. I was strong and stable and I was a shoulder for them to cry on. I listened and gave advice and let them cry and let them know I was here. I put up this wall of strength and stability so that they could have the stability they desperately needed, but in doing so I never really processed everything myself until like a year and a half later. Part of me also wonders if my projection of strength wasn’t only for them, but if it was also for myself. I wonder if I didn’t process everything because I didn’t want to process it, and I was just avoiding dealing with the problem like how I avoided dealing with my issues with my parents. Regardless, even though I’ve started to process the whole situation with my older sibling, I still can’t be vulnerable to my younger siblings, because the only one old enough to even possibly properly understand everything (Emphasis on the possibly, she might still be too young to fully get it) is not in a stable position right now, she’s going through a lot, and if I took away that platform I provide for her, and she sees how truly weak and unstable I am, that her whole mess of issues which are balancing on a knife's edge will tip over. The other two younger siblings as I mentioned are too young to properly understand everything, in addition to the fact that they too need me to be stable. My older brother I think is my best bet if I ever decide to open up, but we have a bit of a weird relationship. He was an absolute nightmare to me when we were growing up. Abusive both emotionally and physically. And as much as I begged my parents to deal with him, nothing they did ever stopped him, which I think is another thing that contributes to my lack of trust in my parents. He’s grown up a lot now and we’re pretty close. He’s put in a lot of work to repair our relationship which I respect more than he could ever know, but I think there’s still a small part of me which resents him, and I hate myself so much for that. I want to talk about this to my parents but I don’t trust them. I really did think that I had a good relationship with them up until now, but I realised I had tricked myself into thinking that to hide all the issues. There’s the stuff with my brother which I mentioned already, and the fact that every time I’ve tried to bring up a legitimate issue with them they shut me down, and so I just ignore it because what good would it do anyone to turn this into a big issue right? I’ve always been very conflict averse, I hate arguments, and so I would just try and let it go, not realizing that the issue was still there, I was just ignoring it. One big thing though is that like, a year or more ago, I was questioning my identity quite a lot. I thought I might be a trans woman and so, after building up the courage for days, I decided to tell my parents in private. My younger sister had identified as Trans masc for a few years, and although she has now detransitioned as she learned more about herself, my parents treated her with respect while she did identify as trans (even if it took them like a year to get there) So I told my parents, and honestly, I can’t for the life of me remember how they reacted, but it wasn’t great. It was far from the support I wanted or needed at the time. I feel like they were embarrassed? Maybe disappointed? Disgusted even? They tried to hide it but my mom did a much better job hiding it than my dad. It feels really fucking stupid and embarassing to admit this, but the finale of TADC is what kind of reminded me of this god awful experience iykyk. Anyways, from that day on, I never mentioned anything to do with my gender to anyone, and I just ignored it like every other issue and swept it under the rug, and my parents did too, I assume they hoped that if we didn’t talk about it that the issue would go away. After a while I decided that I was stupid to ever think I was trans, and that I’m Cis, but I’m now wondering if I’m just lying to myself again, sweeping another issue under the rug so that I don’t have to look at it. One thing that I can absolutely say in regards to my gender is that I despise my body. There are things about it that I can control like my weight, but also things I can’t control like my overall size, body shape, frame, the width of my shoulders, my height. I wish I was shorter and thinner, but I have been cursed with a body fit for a wrestler or a weight lifter or something. Going back to the topic I started this ramble with, I feel like I can’t open up to anyone, and that includes just being me, and acting natural. I feel like every time I’m not around my immediate family, who I’ve known my whole life, I have to Larp as a normal fucking person. And that makes me really socially awkward, because I’m scared to contribute to a conversation and so I just stand there like an idiot. The only friends I have are people I met online through a shared love of a super niche interest. I have no in person friends. Tangentially related, I am Aromantic-Asexual, so I personally have never felt romantically or sexually attracted to anyone, but I still yearn. I still pine for love, for that beautiful connection, a closeness with one person unlike anything else, where you can truly just be yourself around them, where you can trust them with your deepest secrets and know that they’ll do the same for you, where they think about you even when you’re not in the room, but I know that I will never be able to have that kind of a connection with someone because I’m physically incapable of forming that kind of a bond. I’m not suicidal, but I worry that one day I will kill myself, because I will have nobody who sees just how fucked up I really am.

Globi, a fried dough Recipe which dates back to ancient Rome. I got the recipe from a cook book called tasting history that my parents got me last christmas

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Jamie Tartt - Ted Lasso
Jade Herrera - FROM
Hank Voight - Chicago PD

Honorable mention goes to Randall also from the show FROM. I love him as a character but I feel like he's still to polarizing to the wider fandom for me to include him