I need to fix my anger issues before my husband leaves me.
I have deeply rooted anger that can come out an anytime, for any small inconvenience. its not something im proud of, but its something im very self aware about. Its to the point where my husband wants to leave me. Anytime i get angry it's like a 0-100 very fast, and its so incredibly hard to not be angry. i try to stop myself in my mind by reminding myself that its not that big of a deal, and the consequences to my actions if i keep staying angry but for some reason i always act out and never listen to my inner voice. I dont know why. its almost like an out of body experience but im aware of whats happening and whats going to happen if i keep going on but i cant stop myself. i lash out and throw things, punch/kick walls, slam doors, scream and yell like a child not getting their way, cuss a storm out, be extremely hateful and careless, there have been few times i will admit ive smacked my husband out of anger. i know what im doing is wrong. i dont want to be like this. everytime i get like that afterwards i just want to break down. theres no excuse or reason for me to be this way. No matter the shit ive been through people especially my husband have been through worse and still manage to have better anger management. I just am at a loss. If my husband was to leave me over this i would be devastated but at the same time i understand. i wouldnt want to be with someone who is easily angered to the point where it can instruct damage to property or even violence. I just want to be a better person for him, our family, and myself. I have tried talking to my husband about my anger but he always tells me he doesnt understand how i can get angry like that, that fast and stay angry. he also doesnt understand how its almost like an out of body experience when it happens. its something im aware of but cant seem to get into control of. he says i just lack self control, he's right but i dont know how to gain that. Anytime i try to seek help, im almost always met with "well figure it out yourself" . and that makes things even more frustrating. i dont know what to do, thats why im asking, how am i supposed to figure it out when im already clueless? and what im doing currently is obviously not working. ive been looking online and at forums to try and gain better self control, i feel like nothing is working. i try walking away and calming down, i end up just making myself angrier somehow and lash out more. i try to let go and stop thinking about it, distract myself with something i love doing, and end up getting angry at it or at the fact that i cant let it go. i try taking deep breaths and telling myself its not that big of a deal, i just make myself frustrated at something else. i have deep repressed anger. i dont know why. i dont want to be angry anymore. i never want to feel angry again but i know its going to happen and i just want it to stop. i just need tips and pointers on where to start being better, being less angry, more at peace and happier. I dont want to be this way anymore. My husband deserves better and i want to be better for the both of us before its too late and i lose him.