My fiancé (31M) doesn't want to disclose his savings or mortgage payment because he sees it as financial autonomy. I (31F) see transparency as part of marriage. Are either of us being unreasonable?
My fiancé and I are both 31 and have been together for around 8 years, since we were 23. We're now planning to get married, and we've discovered that we have quite different views about financial transparency within a marriage.
We are both lawyers and we both earn quite good money luckily and earn practically the same amount. I've been open with him about my salary, savings and debts. He has been open about his salary, but he doesn't want to disclose how much he has in savings. His position is that he never asked me to tell him how much I had saved, so my choosing to disclose that doesn't mean he should have to do the same.
He doesn't intend to disclose his savings after we're married either. He sees this as maintaining financial autonomy and believes that a married couple can still be a team without knowing everything about each other's individual finances.
I see it differently. I don't believe marriage means we need to combine every penny or have control over each other's individual money, but I do think being a financial team means having transparency about things like income, savings, debts and major financial commitments. For me, knowing something isn't the same as having control over it.
There is another important part of this situation that affects how I feel about financial security.
By marrying my fiancé, I am going against my family's wishes. My family have told me that if I marry him, they will disown me. This means that marriage potentially involves me losing the family support/safety net I would otherwise have had.
I'm making that choice because I want to marry him, but it also means that financial security within my marriage is particularly important to me. I've tried to explain to him that I'm not asking to control his money or take ownership of his assets. I'm asking for transparency partly because I'm entering a marriage knowing that I may no longer have my family to fall back on if something goes wrong.
For me, there's also an emotional element of trust. I want to feel that my husband trusts me enough to be open with me about his financial position. I don't believe knowing how much he has saved gives me any right to that money, just as telling him my savings doesn't mean he controls mine.
There's also an apartment involved, which is where this disagreement has become more obvious.
He bought an apartment around a year ago. He has been very clear that financially the apartment is his and that my contributions towards living there don't give me any ownership/equity in it. I currently pay him £350 per month and will have paid this for around four years in total after another three years.
We split normal household bills and groceries 50/50. He pays the service charge himself, which is around £1,500 per year, and ground rent of roughly £60 per year.
I asked him what his monthly mortgage payment is. He doesn't want to tell me because he considers that information part of his financial autonomy and doesn't think I need to know it. He has said that I know roughly how much the apartment cost and approximately how long the mortgage is, so if I really want to know, I can reverse-engineer the mortgage payment myself.
I eventually did that and estimate that his mortgage is around £850 per month.
What I find difficult is that he is okay with me having enough information to work it out, but doesn't believe he should have to actually tell me the figure.
From my perspective, I'm not asking to control his mortgage, decide what he does with the apartment, or gain ownership of it simply because I know the numbers. I'm also not saying his savings should become mine.
For me, it's about being able to say, "We're getting married, so we're both comfortable being transparent with each other about our overall financial positions."
From his perspective, I think he feels that being married shouldn't remove his right to financial privacy and autonomy. He doesn't think spouses need to know everything about each other's finances in order to be a team, and he sees my wanting this information as potentially crossing into control.
The fact that I may lose my family support when I marry him makes this harder for me. I'm effectively choosing my marriage knowing that one of my existing safety nets may disappear. Because of that, I need to feel financially secure in the partnership I'm entering and to feel that the person I'm marrying trusts me.
At the same time, I don't want to use my family situation as an argument that I'm therefore entitled to his savings or his apartment. I'm trying to work out what is a reasonable expectation of transparency from someone you're about to marry.
I genuinely want perspectives from both sides rather than just validation that I'm right.
Is it reasonable for one spouse to permanently keep the amount they have in savings private from the other?
Is it reasonable not to disclose the mortgage payment on a property when your partner contributes towards living there, even if the property remains entirely yours?
And does the fact that one partner is giving up their existing family safety net to enter the marriage change what you would consider reasonable in terms of financial transparency and security?
Where do you draw the line between financial autonomy/privacy, trust and financial transparency in a marriage?