A story of hope
I am older so when i was molested I had no idea it was even wrong, no internet or sex education to tell me, I just thought it was all part of growing up.
I went to an all boys boarding wshool when i was 8. The older boys, 13 would pick on a new boy and "train" them to please them. I was always the quiet and vulnerable one so i guess i was easy prey. I loved the attention and grew to love letting them do whatever they wanted. At 11 i was raped by the headmaster, but he was the authority figure, so why would i question it? When i left that school I became vey withdrawn which my mother noticed which resulted in her being "over protective" and i let he do whatever she wanted,
when a little older i realised how wrong it all was and just buried it deep. It wasnt until i was older i realised how it had affected me, trust issues, a need to please my lovers, getting aroused by my past.
I finally decided to find a therapist, mostly around my guilt for not knowing anythning and for the continued arousal i felt as it didnt make any sense. I was so lucky and found one when had been through it all too and why they chose to be a therapist. Over time i grew to accept who i was and why and that being aroused wasnt uncommon and that some use it as part of how they deal with it.
I was able to finally move on, yes i still have those feelings, but no guilt and can live a better life. I still have trust issues and do seem to attract those with similar pasts but i have a good life all things considered.
I hope others out there who struggle find some form of help. There is no set recovery, we all heal in our own way at our own speed, so don feel you have failed, just keep going. I hope that helped in some way that you can move on.