When Empathy Becomes a Trap
Hi all. I'm an INFP, and I've been struggling with something that I think many empaths will recognize. I'd love to hear your thoughts. I'll try to keep it short, but it's complicated.
As an INFP, empathy isn't something you do—it's who you are. You feel other people's pain as if it were your own. That gift became a curse in my relationship with my mother.
Three years ago, I cut off contact with her. She has borderline personality disorder and narcissism. Being around her meant walking on eggshells—she demanded all attention, and any attempt at setting boundaries was met with cold rejection that left me anxious and destabilized for days. As an INFP, I had always been deeply attuned to her emotions and fell naturally into people-pleasing, but eventually I couldn't keep it up. When I asked for less contact, she reacted dismissively and later told me I was destroying her—the most painful thing an INFP can hear.
Since then, I've experienced a freedom I never knew: I started studying, left the church, and found friends who share my love for art and philosophy. Yet a nagging voice persists, telling me I should reconnect—that maybe one day I'll be "strong enough" to have something good with her (she is in her eighties now, so time is running out). My INFP empathy lets me vividly imagine how abandoned she must feel, but I also know that seeing her would only bring new pain. The grey rock method feels like self-betrayal; it goes against my authentic nature, and I can't be around her without falling back into pleasing mode.
My question is this:
As an INFP whose empathy and authenticity are central to who I am, how do I reconcile my deep understanding of my mother's pain with the knowledge that contact harms me—and let go of the hope that I'll someday be "strong enough" to make the relationship work?