Still at a loss
This year marks year seven since my first child was born, and year six since she died.
I haven't known how to celebrate her birthday or death anniversary or how to include her in holiday celebrations since she passed. Ultimately, I just feel stressed and anxious and end up doing nothing besides getting through the days as best as possible. I feel bad for not doing something, but I keep finding myself in a state of paralysis.
My pregnancy started in January. She was born in October. We had one Halloween, one Thanksgiving, one Christmas, and one New Year's together. I was in the hospital with her by Valentine's Day, and she died at the end of February. My whole year feels wrong without her in it.
She was four months old when she died. I hate that she will never get any older, never know her sister, never walk or talk or sing or dance or go to school or make friends or create art or grow up or fall in love or chase her dreams. It feels wrong to have a baby who will always be a baby; worse, a baby who will never get to be a baby again, much less anything else. It also doesn't feel right to treat each year passing as her getting older, though.
I've had phantom pregnancy symptoms lately. I just feel lost and my heart is achy.