AITA for telling my partner I'll leave if he doesn't go to therapy?
My (44F) partner "Dave" (50M) and I are in an open relationship. We both see other people, and I'm happy with the arrangement. I watch his child so he can go on dates, and I sometimes encourage him to make plans when I'm free. I thought we had an understanding that if one of us calls while the other is out, it's for a good reason. I always answer when he calls me.
Friday night he went out with a woman he sees. I was happy to have the house to myself. Around 12:20 AM the dog started going crazy, and I heard the front door open and shut. I was upstairs and didn't see anything. I called my stepchild to ask if they'd come home, and they said they were about 30 minutes away. I figured it was Dave, so I went downstairs to say hi, and the house was empty and his car wasn't out front. That was the moment I freaked out.
I called Dave because I wanted to make sure it wasn't him before I called the police. Maybe he'd opened the door and run to 7-Eleven or something. He kept sending me to voicemail. I texted to explain that someone had just opened the front door and I was scared. He replied that he'd answer in a couple of minutes.
I'll be honest: at that point I lost it. I texted "fu-you," told him someone had literally broken into the house, told him not to bother calling later, and said he clearly didn't care if I got murdered. Not my finest moment, but I was alone and terrified.
I called the cops and they went through the house. There's an 18-year-old who has broken in before and harasses my stepchild, and he only shows up when Dave's car is gone. It was probably him. It doesn't help that our doors are never locked, because Dave doesn't want to carry a key. One of them doesn't even have a working lock. I've begged him to fix it, but he keeps saying it's a safe neighborhood and I’m overreacting.
When Dave got home, he was angry at me for “ruining” his date. He said no one broke in and I made it up to control him. I don't understand how he could think that. The only other time I've ever called him while he was out was when he said he'd be home by midnight, and I woke up alone at 4 AM thinking he might be dead.
This isn't the first time something like this has happened:
He was at lunch with his ex-wife and youngest child and left me stranded with a flat tire because he wouldn't pick up his phone.
I was having an asthma attack and asked him to pick up my prednisone. He rolled his eyes and huffed so loudly that I felt too guilty to push it, so I drove myself to the drugstore in the middle of the attack. He made no attempt to stop me.
He has it in his head that I'm always overreacting and trying to control him. I'm not. He has full freedom to go out, and I help make that happen. After Friday, I told him he needs therapy and that if he won't go, I'm leaving. I can't live like this.
AITA?
Why I might be the AH: I don’t have the right to ask another adult to go to therapy.