u/ThrowRA65391

Firstly I just wanted to say that I had to delete the first post because of the racism directed towards me, and the racism in general. So I apologize. Definitely not what I expected. I won’t say anything about them because people that unfortunate clearly have something they’re going through so and choose to take it out on others. To the ones who gave me real, genuine advice, and told me to look through his phone, thank you so much. Because we are no longer together.

A tldr is that I saw my boyfriend’s texts with one of his white friends saying the n word, and he didn’t call it out or address it despite knowing my views on it. (I’m black and he’s white)

He came over today like always. I tried to act normal but he could tell I was off. I just ripped off the bandaid and asked to see his phone. He was hesitant but let me have it. There were texts from him saying the n word, and other racist things I’d rather not repeat. He’s even mentioned me more than once, and not in a nice way.

I felt like throwing up. I broke up with him on the spot. He said that it was just jokes and he’s not racist because he doesn’t actually believe what he says, and that it’s just to entertain his friends. Excuse after excuse. He even started crying when he realized how serious I was. Begged me to reconsider. I didn’t. I just told him to leave.

I’m not too sure how to feel yet because everything is still so fresh. Writing it out is helping me process it, I guess. I’m not as sad as i thought, but I know it’ll kick in later. I just feel really dumb honestly. Those texts were like a different person. No I didn’t see any signs, he never made any racist jokes towards or in front of me. I’m genuinely blindsided. But it’s okay. At least I know now rather than later.

Also, I’m not dramatic for having a boundary. For everyone saying it’s just a word, good for you. That’s your opinion. We think differently and that’s fine. Doesn’t mean you have to spread hate and racism because of it. Thanks again everyone.

I’ll try to make this short. Me and my boyfriend have been together for three years. I’m black and he’s white. He’s never given me any reason to believe he’s racist, but recently I saw a text on his phone and one of his white friends said the n word, and my boyfriend didn’t call him out on it.

He just acted like it was a normal message and moved on. I spoke to him about it, and he said it’s not a big deal because he’s not the one that said it, and can’t control what people say. But personally, I feel like any normal person would call out someone saying slurs? Especially if that slur can be hurtful to someone you’re dating?

His reasoning is if he was really racist then he wouldn’t be dating a black girl. But I think it’s so much deeper than that. I don’t necessarily want to end three years of a good relationship over this, but I also can’t see myself trusting him fully anymore. How do I get him to see this from my perspective? Is this even salvageable? Please, any advice is appreciated.

Edit: I’ve made it clear I don’t like that word being used regardless of the context. I don’t consider this an insane boundary considering there are many other words in the English language that aren’t slurs and can be used the same way. Some of you say it’s just a word, I don’t care. I personally made it clear to my boyfriend that I hate it and consider it racist. He’s always agreed with me. No, I did not go through his phone. He was sitting next to me and was texting, so I saw his screen. This means he lied about being on board with me. He enables it, so what would stop him from enabling it if it was towards me? Hopefully this gives a better perspective of where my head is at. Please don’t be hateful.