My coparent has a new gf and my child is scared of her child. What do I do?
Hi everyone. This is my first time posting here, I hope someone can maybe see a solution I’m not seeing because I’m too close to the situation.
So. My son is 12, we’ll call him O, he’s an only child. He’s never known his bio dad but when he was about a year old I met G and G has been his father figure since then.
G and I broke up about 4 years ago, it was emotionally messy but not legally messy. I stopped talking to G because he would cry in front of my child or get moody and snippy so I gave up. I’m now in a stable long term relationship, and G has dated a bit too. O still goes to his house for holidays and every second weekend.
A week ago my son came home from Gs house and told me Gs new gf has a child with autism, ADHD and anger issues. This child is 8, swears at his mother and tells her to F*** off, breaks things, yells a lot, and O just doesn’t want to be around him. O said G told him this wasn’t even that bad because he’s worse when he’s actually angry and now my son is scared of this child throwing things at him or hitting him. G also told him that at some point they would be brothers so he needed to get along with him (apparently he changed it later to ‘if you want to be brothers’).
I sent G a txt saying O doesn’t want to be around this child, and it seems like he has good reason, please keep them seperate, that sort of thing. He didn’t reply, when I went to his house a couple of days ago to pick up O we had a chat about it that very quickly turned heated and we ended up yelling at each other (something we have never done, I used to back down a lot).
His main points were 1.it’s my (op) fault because I left. 2. The child has good reason to be angry/upset/ so on. 3. What about when they move in with him? 4. He asked me not to bring my partner around for pickup/drop off and yet I did once ( my car was having an issue, we parked in the drive, it had been two years since we broke up)
My stance is that’s nice, I’m glad he’s in a good relationship, she sounds lovely, but my priority is my child. Her child can have the biggest sad story on earth (it’s now come out he maybe adopted by her?) but he isn’t my priority. My priority is that my child has a safe stable home to grow up in, and if he can’t provide that then O not coming back. I also lost it when he kept bring up our break up. I told him to grow up and get over it , which wasn’t very nice.
Now he’s txt apologising for handling it poorly, and I did too. We are going to have a coffee and talk about it like adults. I sent him a txt saying if he brought up our break up I would leave because it’s not constructive or what we are here to discuss, and it’s disrespectful to his gf, and he hasn’t replied.
I’ve asked my son if Gs gf and her son move in with G will he still go around for weekends and he said no.
I’m sure I’m doing the right thing by pushing this, but I’m also not sure. My son will loose all of his extended family on Gs side, family he’s grown up with and loves. And his dad hes had forever. Or G breaks up with his gf and O feels responsible for Gs misery. Before I knew they were moving in I offered solutions, like picking O up or him staying at a friends house when the gf brought her son over. But if they move in none of that works, obviously. Any thoughts? Thanks.