My mom treats boundaries as proof that we hate her and want her gone
My Mom feels rejected in cohabitation situation with my Girlfriend.
My girlfriend and I have been together for about a decade. For most of our relationship, we have lived with one of my parents in one way or another.
Because of personal circumstances in my mom's life, we had offered to let her stay with us a little over 2 years ago (with the implied goal of her finding alternative housing and this being an emergency housing situation until she gets into public housing or figures something out)
My mom is disabled and has a complicated health/benefits situation. The issue is that she keeps doing things that could hurt her own stability, and then reacts badly when I try to set boundaries around it.
Some examples:
My mom talks negatively about public housing accommodations, which makes it seem like she may not be willing to compromise enough to live independently or may not be willing to move to a lower income area.
My mom does physical labor outside without asking for help, which could create problems with her benefits if a private investigator drives by.
That physical labor also seems to make her need more help later because she gets sore or hurts herself and is potentially not following post-op care instructions.
It feels like a cycle where she resists things that would help her stay independent, does things that could put her stability at risk,
and then she refuses to ask me for help because she thinks we don't want her here and acts like she is a burden when I have adamantly demanded that she ask for more help when she needs it instead of her doing it herself and hurting herself.
The boundary I have tried to set is simple:
I do not want my mom talking about her benefits or healthcare situation in front of my girlfriend.
Those conversations stress my girlfriend out, and she has already told me she is tired of having to leave the room when they come up. My mom has crossed that line a few times.
The hard part is that when I try to hold the boundary, my mom takes it as proof that we hate her or want her gone. Instead of respecting the boundary, it turns into martyrdom. She acts like she is being rejected completely, when what I am actually asking is for her not to bring up certain topics around my girlfriend and to avoid doing anything which would look bad to the company that manages her Private Disability Benefits.
My mom is obviously embarrassed and feels terrible about having to stay with us in the first place. There's a chance that my mom thinks I'm going to take her side because of her medical issues.
Part of this is probably made worse by the fact that I have been staying low contact with my mom inside the house. I do that because I am trying to avoid conversations that will spiral or give my girlfriend something else to stress over. But I can see how that also reinforces my mom’s belief that we hate her. I also am terrible at remembering her birthday/mother's day/and generally have not involved her in any holidays.
I have already told her I would like her to start looking at other housing options, and seeing what she can qualify for with the goal of getting her independent by the end of the year.
There is another boundary I have not said out loud yet:
if my mom loses her benefits because of choices she was warned about, I am not willing to step in and take over responsibility for her. I know that may sound harsh, but I do not think I can let her choices become an unlimited responsibility for me and my girlfriend.
I am trying to figure out how to handle this without turning it into my girlfriend vs. my mom.
The advice I am looking for is:
How do I enforce a boundary with my mom when she turns the boundary into proof that we hate her?
I would especially appreciate advice on what to say in the moment when she brings up benefits/healthcare around my girlfriend after I have already asked her not to, and how to respond when she slips into martyrdom instead of just respecting the boundary.
TLDR:
My disabled mom lives with us and keeps crossing a boundary about not discussing benefits/healthcare around my girlfriend. When I enforce it, she acts like it means we hate her or want her gone. I have also told her I want her to find somewhere else to go by the end of the year. I need advice on holding the boundary without escalating the martyrdom cycle.
All of Mom's stuff is already packed and ready to go.