u/ThrowRA_purplethorn

Today I had a conversation with my boyfriend that turned into an argument because we can’t seem to find a middle ground. My boyfriend (28M) and I (24F) have been together for almost 3 years, and we’ve always been long distance. We live in neighboring countries and see each other once or twice a month. He has had a stable job for 2 years, and he was recently promoted to a better position with a higher salary. I’ve been in university for 3 years, and I still have about a year and a half left before I graduate.

We are planning to get engaged this year before September, something we both agreed on and that I’m really excited about. The problem started during a conversation we were having about our future (or rather, my future) after I graduate. He doesn’t want to leave his current job in the neighboring country where I study because he has a good salary and the job includes an apartment to live in. In other words, his life and work are comfortable, and he doesn’t want to give that up.

I don’t want to move to the country where he works because there are no job opportunities there for my career. During the conversation, he gave me the option of moving in with him and having him support me financially. Another option was for me to start a business where he lives, and he would help me financially with that. Lastly, he suggested that I work with him.

The problem with the options he gave me is:

1. I don’t want him to financially support me because that would change the relationship a lot. I’ve always been an independent woman, and that’s how my parents raised me. My parents have paid for my entire university education, and it would feel like a waste not to pursue my career. It would also be for an indefinite amount of time, and I don’t like that.
2. I don’t want to start a business because it has never interested me. Also, I can’t really start a business related to my career in a small town (he lives in a beautiful beach town).
3. I’m not interested in working with him because working with family or partners usually doesn’t end well. I also don’t like his line of work, and most importantly, I wouldn’t be pursuing my own career.

The options I gave him were that we could continue spending more time long distance (him working in his current country and me working in another one) until we find a solution that allows us to work and be together. The other option I gave him was for him to move with me to the country where I want to work, which I think is a good idea because the place where I want to work is actually his home country.

On top of that, this was our original plan when he first started working and moved to his current country: that once I graduated, we would move together to his home country so we could live together and work in careers we both enjoy in a beautiful country that we both know well.

He didn’t like either of those options. That’s when the conversation turned into a fight, because he told me that if that’s how I think, then maybe the best thing would be for each of us to go our separate ways — basically ending the relationship.

So that’s our dilemma. We don’t know what to do, and I’d really appreciate help thinking of possible solutions.