u/ThrowRAinevitable990

Context: At my ripe old age I’m still learning my boundaries and dealbreakers and I am not sure if this is a clear violation. Would love insight.

My ex - who broke up with me a few months ago, saying things like how he felt like we’re supposed to grow old together but he was too overwhelmed - came back a couple months ago saying he wanted to reconcile and still felt like I was his person, etc.

I was hesitant. Our relationship had ups and downs and a few breaks (we still talked during them but after each break things seemed to get worse) and by the time we broke up it wasn’t healthy. I had a lot of clarity on how I was contributing to our dynamic and what would need to change and tried to ask him a lot of questions to determine what would actually be different on his end, so we were working through all of that.

To be clear, we had not officially decided to get back together. I initially said I had to think about it then said the various things I needed. One of the conversations was tough because I talked about all the things I let slide that I couldn’t see happen again, and - according to him - it left him feeling like he’d failed and wondering if this could actually be repaired.

In any case early on I said that for me if we were reconciling that it was important that we were off the apps and not pursuing other options. He agreed to that if we were officially reconciling. Then I said actually if we were talking at all I’d like for app activity to stop. He said he hadn’t deleted his profile but wasn’t really using them and we could talk about it. We didn’t; I asked him another time and he said the same thing, that he wasn’t really talking to anyone but this time said that he could delete it.

In any case I discovered that he had most certainly not deleted. When I asked him he tried to pretend like it was paused even though I’d literally just found it (I was not using mine but still had it and had gone in to see if I could find his). He was a bit vague on the timeline but apologized, deleted it, sent screenshots, said that he wanted to rebuild trust and that he didn’t want this to get off on the wrong foot.

What concerns me is that he mislead me, and then tried to construct a false narrative. It makes me feel like I am still not getting the full truth. We had a follow up conversation where he was upfront that he’d not fully stopped swiping - it had become habitual, he was unsure about whether things with us could work, it had become a source of validation of getting matches, but when I said I was upset he was keeping his options open he said it wasn’t about that because he wasn’t actively pursuing people or going on dates.

He apologized and since then he’s been more engaged and more consistent.

That said this is the second or third time I know of during our history where he has been vague or misleading about what’s going on. I’m very transparent and if I’m not ready to be exclusive with someone I will usually just say that; he said he didn’t want to jeopardize things but I’m confused because why would you come back to get back together when you are still on the apps?

Because I dated someone who was a pathological liar in the past I don’t know where this falls. Understandable reconciliation gray zone, or serious boundary violation?

What do you all think? And looking for insight not just “they’re exes for a reason”. I know that, too.

Ex and I were together for 2.5 years. When we started dating we both legitimately felt like this was it…aligned in so many ways and we felt safe with each other for the most part.

We were both healing from some stuff and in weird spots in our lives. From what I can tell, the major rupture happened when we were unsure whether we were aligned on long term plans. Me being unsure about wanting more children, and him being unsure if he could accept that, created a scenario in which I felt loved conditionally and fundamentally unchosen. I want to be clear here that I don’t truly feel it was about children - I won’t go into why I believe that, but there were enough cues to suggest that this had more to do with the fact that commitment requires you to close all other doors, and his unwillingness generally to close doors on options was evidenced across other areas of his life as well.

I’m pretty sure all the drama after this stemmed from that. What I should have had is either a better ability to stay present with the uncertainty OR walking away sooner but what I did instead is try to stay in it despite constantly feeling activated. Eventually this created a somewhat toxic dynamic. We took 2-3 short breaks (where we still talked regularly but didn’t see each other) to try to get clarity, but our dynamic just got worse over time.

We broke up in Jan/Feb, unable to find alignment, with him feeling overwhelmed and constantly activated and unable to find solutions that would make this work. We also have distance to contend with and were dealing with how to actually build a life given that on top of everything else.

Despite that after our breakup he also sent an email about how he still envisioned our wedding day, I was still the last person he wanted to be with, he just didn’t understand why our dynamic had gotten so hard and wished that things were easier and he needed a hard reset. He said he felt like we were healing together and that this was all part of that.

He contacted me again recently wanting to touch base. Beforehand he sent me a loving book, detailing all the reasons he loved me.

When we met up, he took full accountability and showed regret and remorse for his actions. He came with solutions for the things that had been blocked, and an acceptance of what choosing a life with me would mean. He apologized for the impact of his ongoing ambivalence. Said that he didn’t really want anyone else, and would rather be with the right person than to try to have children at this point.

I spoke my mind and was vulnerable about how I was hurt. I said that taking time off from each other - to potentially date other people - didn’t feel like “healing together”. I said I’d have to think about it. He said that dating other people was never the goal when we broke up and that he was just overwhelmed. But when I asked if he’d been on the apps during the past few months he said he had, and he’d gone on two dates with two people before realizing that he wasn’t really in a place to date others but also that our connection was so deep and rare that he only wanted to be with me.

To be fair, during our time apart I realized a lot of ways I had messed up, too. I was also being inflexible in certain ways and was able to see more ways I could have compromised after breaking up. I also tried to go on dates realizing the same thing. That nothing really compared.

I told him I would think about everything and let him know. But given that he came with full accountability and solutions to the issues that were the cause of all the disruption, I’m truly considering it. My only concern is that the solutions are only being driven by missing me and won’t pan out to actual change.

But when we hugged goodbye I felt safe, secure and trusting and my nervous system relaxed considerably - which tells me that there may still be enough of a foundation to rebuild.

What would you all do?