I dated a girl for a year. The whole time I was in love with a guy I didn't ever even talk to
So, let's get this straight. I (19F) am very bisexual. When I was 16, I "met" my first and biggest love, I do not even know his name so I will call him Brown, because he has the prettiest brown eyes. Before, I was never the romantic type. During the time I met him, I was going through something and I could not open up to anyone, not even my dearest friends, so I poured all my feelings out on those iron plates at the gym.
That is when I caught him staring for the first time, and it was far from the last. It was love at first sight, believe me. I felt it and I know he felt it too. I love his eyes, so much. When I looked at his eyes, it was like he told me a million words at once, when I was beat up and sad, he would give me the most gentle glances. When I hit a PR, I saw the proud glances he gave me. It was like he was spiritually holding my hand and comforting me.
But I started to love him too much, I thought about him all the time and I was going crazy, I was looking for him everywhere, even outside of the gym. I had to switch gyms, it went too far. After about 6 months, I thought I was getting better and I randomly ran into him, he was fully staring. My heart was racing so bad the whole day and I couldn't think straight to save my life.
After even more time, at 18, I get into a relationship with this girl, but Brown never left my mind. I never told her about him. I felt like I was cheating on him, hell, whenever anyone showed romantic interest in me I felt so guilty and like a cheater.
When I held her hand in public, I was afraid he would see and hate me. I loved her too, though. At least I think. But it was different. Brown, I loved everything about him, but for my ex girl, I had to recalibrate my brain to find her attractive. When she asked how much I love her, I told her I loved her like Dante loved Beatrice, but I knew I wasn't talking about her, it was Brown.
This didn't happen just once, but similar scenarios. Sometimes, I imagined Brown was in front of me instead of her. We have been together for a year, broke up a few days ago and honestly I am okay, even after I found out she had been cheating on me and sent me explicit images of her doing things with other girls after the breakup, I just want my Brown.
The last time I saw Brown was a few days ago, but also a year ago once. I do not think he recognizes me. I lost my baby face, grew my hair and dyed it black, also bleached my eyebrows. I don't know what to do, I needed to get this off my chest