29F married to 29M. AITA for refusing to attend his cousin’s wedding?
I (29F) have been married for about a year, and my husband wants me to accompany him to his cousin’s wedding this Sunday. The wedding is about 286 km away from where we live, and I work permanent night shifts. Weekends are the only time I get to recover before starting work again on Monday night.
The thing is, I really don’t enjoy weddings. This isn’t about this particular wedding. I generally dislike them. I don’t know anyone attending besides my husband, and I always end up feeling awkward and out of place. Social situations like that are incredibly draining for me.
There is another layer to this. My husband’s parents have made it clear that they wish I would visit or call them more often. They are not bad people, but I think they expected a much more involved daughter-in-law than I naturally am. Because of that, my husband tries to take me to see them whenever he can. I know he hopes that showing up to family events will keep everyone happy.
The problem is that I never feel like I can truly be myself around his family. Their family dynamic is very different from the one I grew up with. In my family, we could openly express what we were feeling without worrying too much about how it would be perceived. In his family, I constantly feel like I have to watch what I say and how I behave. I am naturally very reserved, and I also have BPD, so I rely heavily on having a safe space where I can relax and be myself. Spending an entire day feeling like I have to be “on” is emotionally exhausting.
This wedding is also 286 km away, on my only day to rest, and I have work the very next day. It also happens to be the weekend before our anniversary, and I was hoping we could spend that time together doing something we both actually enjoy.
My husband expects me to go, and we have already had a fight about it. From his perspective, not attending means people will talk, ask questions, or think badly of us. He is the kind of person who will do almost anything to avoid disappointing family or becoming the subject of gossip.
I am the complete opposite. I do not intentionally try to hurt people’s feelings, but I also do not think it is my job to keep extended family happy at the expense of my own mental health or our peace. If saying no means someone is temporarily disappointed, I can live with that.
What also frustrates me is that I have never expected or forced him to attend my family’s gatherings. If he does not feel like going, I have no problem going alone. I do not see why the same grace cannot be extended to me.
At the same time, I know he is caught between wanting to support me and wanting to avoid upsetting his family. I do not think he is trying to control me. I think he genuinely feels responsible for everyone else’s expectations.
So now I am wondering if I am being selfish for refusing to go, or if it is reasonable to protect my only day of rest and my own mental well-being.
AITA?