u/Throwaway46464

I'm a piece of shit. I wanted a dynamic that wasn't going to work.

Listen to your partner when they tell you when a monogamous person will catch feelings.

Listen to the monogamous person that you're talking to that she will eventually catch feelings if we keep sleeping together.

Accept the fact that trying to make a dynamic that was never going to work is going to end up in everyone being hurt.

You're better off alone until you really change yourself.

I am a 40M, who is getting divorced. My soon to be ex wanted to try ENM, which led to being poly, except it was more like "Poly for me, but not for thee" as any time I had any time with a partner, us being poly was suddenly a problem. I never really felt like I got to enjoy being poly because I was always dealing with my ex's very vocal disdain any time I made plans. I hated it. Long story short, I said I'd close things, my ex doesn't want to stop seeing her boyfriend and wants a divorce. Cool. You do you. It was not a healthy relationship, and I'm ready to move on with my life.

I started seeing a woman (I'll call her S), 35, who is married for about 7 months now. It has been amazing to say the least. We are actually able to talk about difficult feelings without getting upset, our chemistry is amazing both in and out of the bedroom and I find myself falling for her. Something I didn't think was going to happen any time soon, if at all. S was poly before she got married and has been for a decade. S has always wanted kitchen table poly, but a lot of shady shit went down with her husband. She too is probably getting divorced, she was just hesitant on pulling the trigger. She also has a young son, who has really taken to me. He's a fucking great kid, and I enjoy hanging out with both of them.

S is not the only partner I have, I have a comet partner but she lives hours away and since I moved last year things kinda fizzled out. But I had still seen her from time to time. When I had seen my other partner, S was honest about her feelings of mild jealousy, but never made me feel like I couldn't see my other partner.

I have recently started talking with another woman who wants to explore being poly. I told S, they've met and everything was cool. New woman is cool, but I don't see her being anything more than a FWB. She's young, newly single from her first LTR, and wants to live life to the fullest.

But, after meeting this new woman, S really opened up about her feelings and now I feel like I got gut punched. She told me she's fallen in love with me, (Awesome!) but, she wants to back off so I can see this new woman because S wants to be monogamous and doesn't want to keep me from pursuing polyamory. S thinks I could really enjoy being with the new woman and feels like I'd be held back because of my feelings for S and her son. S hasn't asked me to stop seeing anyone, but she wants to protect herself as she genuinely didn't see this happening. She also wants to distance her son from me because she doesn't want him to get any more invested in me than he already is.

I'm just floored. I have been depressed for years. I thought things were finally changing into something I was going to be excited about exploring and now... I just don't know what to do. S said she had been thinking about this for a while and felt like waiting was only going to make things harder. She is still happy to see me, but it sounds like it would just be physically until she figures out her divorce and is ready to settle down with someone monogamous.

I know we trauma bonded, but still. It really felt like something genuine. I'm a mess. I barely slept and just wanted to get this written out and sent into the reddit void. I'm going to take some sleep meds and eat my feelings when I wake up.