I am completely defeated…
33M here, married to a 35F for 11 years - one 8 year old daughter.
I’m posting on a throwaway account because I don’t really have anyone I feel comfortable talking to about this.
I honestly feel incredibly lonely. Not because I’m physically alone, but because I feel like I’m living with someone who feels more like a roommate or a stranger than a spouse.
What I miss isn’t just sex. I miss feeling wanted. I miss passion. I miss someone reaching for my hand, hugging me for no reason, kissing me because they wanted to, lying next to each other with skin-to-skin contact, and feeling desired. I miss feeling like I’m someone’s person.
Over the years I’ve tried everything I know how to do. I’ve made a genuine effort to meet my spouse’s emotional and physical needs. I’ve tried being more intentional, helping more around the house, planning dates, communicating better, being patient, giving space when needed, and having honest conversations about how I feel. We’ve had countless discussions about intimacy, loneliness, and our relationship, but nothing ever seems to change for long.
Eventually you stop asking because every conversation feels like another reminder that your needs aren’t going to be met. You start wondering if this is just what marriage is supposed to become.
The hardest part is that I don’t even feel angry anymore. I just feel… resigned. Like this is simply what my life is going to look like at 33, and maybe this is as good as it gets. This sounds extremely pessimistic, but if I were to ever get out of this marriage, I don’t think I’d want to be with anyone else because the crippling fear of this happening again.
So in conclusion… I feel utterly defeated.
TL;DR - lack of relationship, intimacy, and I feel lost.