u/ThrowawayAcForObv

TW for brief talk about food trauma (not body image related)

They didn’t mean it in a “CPTSD isn’t a real thing” kind of way. They meant it in a “oh well everyone has had imperfect parents and has shit to deal with now, everyone can relate to this” way.

And like it was so invalidating. Usually this stuff doesn’t get to me anymore but today it did. I’m not here to say that someone’s trauma is irrelevant or too small. But to call what happened to me “within the norm”? Fuck you.

I have been no contact with my parents (my abusers) for over two years. I have done a crap ton of recovery work, therapy, etc. Which has helped me immensely and I’ve come so far.

Yet I still struggle on a daily basis. And I fucking hate that she thought it was okay to dismiss that and to dismiss how incredibly hard I have fought against the odds just to survive the abuse my parents put me through.

I still frequently get nightmares. I wake up gasping or with bruises on my arms from me fighting against invisible monsters in my sleep. I struggle to trust women or to allow women to touch me/hug me. I still carry a lot of fear towards women because of things my mother did to me. I can’t handle loud or sudden noises, I have to set my phone to vibrate only because a text or a phone call sound will scare me.

My relationship with food is still incredibly damaged. Sometimes I get panic attacks when I try to eat because food was a privilege not a right and my mother used to scream at me that I was entitled for requiring to be fed and how I wasn’t worth the cost to her. How I’m selfish because I can technically survive off of extremely little food. I still get scared sometimes that I’m a bad person for having to eat and eating itself is anxiety provoking on a good day.

My mother used to look at my face and turn away shuddering dramatically. She called me “The freak”

This is not “imperfect parenting”.

Can someone just see me? Validate my struggle? Maybe say some kind words. Idk why I let this person get in my head 😭

This is a New Testament example of people who professed to follow Jesus and were struck down by God.

Is God going to strike me down if I mess up really badly one day? I have before and He didn’t kill me. Why didn’t He? If God is fair then why am I still here, when He killed Ananias and Sapphira?

Why did Lots wife die for looking back in Genesis? I know people say it meant her loyalties were divided, but if strange men told me I needed to leave immediately and when running away from the place I lived, even if it was a wicked and terrible place, I might glance back over my shoulder because there are people I love back there and I’m scared. God killed her.
I did live in a very bad place with very bad people. God let me escape and I believe He is the only reason I ever made it out of there alive. But my family chose to stay. And I metaphorically looked back. I got very afraid being without them and wanted to go back even though it would mean I’d die and also that I’d squander what God gave me, the ability to get out. I didn’t go back but there were days where I needed to get support so that I didn’t.

Is God fair? Why does he apparently strike down some people and not others? Wouldn’t a fair God not allow me to live?

I’m trying to understand who God is, his nature, but I can’t make sense of any of it. Why did God make people if he knew we were going to be so bad? If He knew He would have to kill his son because we are so wicked? If Jesus is why we have grace, why is God still killing people after his resurrection? Is grace only offered with strict limitations?