u/Throwaway_somethin65

Just read a discussion about Homelander and started thinking about narcissistic characters in media in general.

One thing that bothers me is that I genuinely can’t think of many popular characters with narcissistic traits who actually heal. Usually the resolution is:

> they die because of their flaws

> sacrifice themselves

> or they become irredeemable villains

Even with Iron Man, the movies themselves explicitly frame Tony Stark as narcissistic at points. His arc often feels less like true healing and more like:

“if I become useful enough, responsible enough, or save enough people, maybe I’ll finally be good.”

I understand why stories do this. Gradual psychological change is harder to portray than dramatic redemption-through-sacrifice. But I still dislike the message that can accidentally come from it:

that once someone has caused enough harm or become manipulative enough, the only meaningful ending left is punishment, death, or self-destruction.

A lot of people say “it’s never too late to change,” but many stories don’t actually seem interested in exploring what that change would realistically look like.

And no, I don’t mean “someone realizes one thing and their personality disorder disappears.” I mean the grey areas Like accountability, shame, attachment issues, trauma, defensive behavior, gradual self-awareness, failing repeatedly, hurting people, trying again. Etc

Ironically, one reason Star Wars resonated with many people is because Luke believed someone wasn’t beyond saving even after horrible actions.

Now it often feels like internet culture prefers simpler categories:

good person vs. bad person,

healed vs. toxic,

safe vs. irredeemable.

And while I understand why those shortcuts exist, I still wish more stories explored genuine psychological change instead of treating death as the final form of redemption.

hey. I just wanted to share these chaotic trains of thoughts. It’s not a vent in a sense, since I don’t intend for my words to change anything. they capture how I feel right now.

I cried a lot writing the first parts. it was cold tears, they have been so many that they ran down my face into my ears. This doesn’t mean I am any better than you, and that I will feel better because of it.

So yeah share anything you want about it or just have a read.

Words

Genuinely trying, consistently failing - slowly learning. Hurting. Chaos

Words I deeply wanted to hear:

“That does not erase harm. But it does matter.” - I do not want to be seen as good. I want to be seen as what I am and still be allowed to exist and fail.

Pain

“(My name), my bright child. What has happened to you?” - I imagine a woman asking, looking at me as if I just returned from a long journey. I cry for some time. Then the world changes its colors. Something else responds: “I felt like dying, but I just .. someone had to keep on living.” I feel the coldness spreading, words turning inside out. Then, the world becoming bearable again, and numb. ‘Welcome to numb land, where things don’t feel.’

I liked (name of a friend), because he felt much like me in many things. At least there, I didn’t have to worry about hurting him. Though I wasn’t scared to hurt out of empathy sadly. But for another reason - I didn’t want to feel so lonely. Healthy, good hearted people made me jealous, feel really bad, lost, and evil. Not alike. Like a mockery of what I could never be. Care being a concept that drove me away. Emotional guardedness pulling me instead.

Nobody believes that behind all of this there is still a person. Me neither.

I feel irredeemably lost. And no words will change that view. No hug will be warm enough. No other will fill the void. Because they were never the cause of it. It felt bitter to spit this out, against what my defenses want me to say. When I look back, I see a kid. I mourn that little child, and can’t associate with it either. I see it playing, exploring, being .. innocent.. and bright. Every time I tried to go back, I realised that it doesn’t work this way.

I can’t forgive myself truly, I am my worst enemy. I defeat myself every day. Nobody else can, as good as me. Stopping the fighting enables defenses, instead of relieving anything. Because - this bitter taste again - the fighting was never the problem. I’m so obsessed at looking away from the problem, that it became hard to recognise it.

The world doesn’t care about any of this, life goes on. And none of this matters, since life and the world were never truly responsible for it since the start. I like to tell myself that, to avoid responsibility, because responsibility is drenched in poison, it works in a twisted way.

I’m a machine full of buttons, levers, triggers, defenses that I pretend I can control. Masks help me believe that. But it’s only a fun game that I sometimes think is working.

Truly I have no control, the chaos is like a swirl of colourful lines, the sources too hard to track.

Lost, fade.

-

After refining the text a little, I feel numb. It feels as if I just shared this to make myself sound like a relatable villain in a book. I did realise that the only thing upon re-reading that caught me again was the sentence of the child.

Just some thoughts.

Since recently, I am having these constant thoughts that go like "leave me alone, don't talk to me, stop asking, why is everyone so annoying, just let me be. No, I don't want to smile... Now I have to smile. This is annoying let me go home. I don't even wanna go home I wanna go nowhere. This sucks."

When people want a conversation it's mostly draining. When people walk past me it feels like they are all angry at me, like they expect me to not feel crappy.

Then I think about why it got worse and I assume it must be because of work, and things not being suppressed, plus a recent "psycho-terror" (how I call it) from my mom, where she used "don't you love me?" as her final resort, and a followed with "at least we as a family have to stick together" the day after over text.

I dug a bit deeper and it just feels like I was my moms bag to suck life out of every day, a friend that was exactly like that, too - combined with an environment that did not see or wanted to see any of that. In this state - everybody who wants something from me even remotely feels "just like back then" - getting used to suck life out of. It feels horrible.. and there's no escape. Only in unhealthy ways and those tend to spiral into something worse.

I know that objectively most people on this planet do not wish to "suck life out of me". What it feels like though is that in order to not look depressed I have to perform and if I do not perform I get asked about what's wrong. Which might be alright if a therapist asks it or something but it's too much for the everyday-person to listen to and besides that - unfixable for them anyways. And is draining to talk about as well. I feel so exhausted and I know even sleep won't help. Nothing will "help", only distractions.

I assume someone knows that, too. I don't wanna mark this as a vent because I do wanna hear other peoples' experiences, so if you know that feel free to share.

I just noticed that I used to do something like this which created a loop.

- found something that helped (example-> when I am calm it feels good > because I had a moment where a mask slipped or something Like that)

- tried to always be calm (because I was looking at the symptoms and trying to recreate them)

- creating a mask that made it possible to always feel calm

- slowly noticing that I can’t keep it up and that it feels like “the usual”, not different than what I was expecting

- one moment breaking the mask

- speechless, looking for another solution to feel better

Looping back to the start.

I had this happen even when trying to “expose” my mother (to myself and my sister), while the reasons etc were true I noticed that the drive for it was weird. Initially it helped me realising something was very wrong with the way I grew up, but over time I made it into a mask, thinking that if I could learn so much about it, I would be happy. Until later on noticing that it never makes me feel good.

the problem here is the fact that the problem solving process in itself stays the same: masks are being used, even introspection I used as a mask, healing I used as a mask, a lot of things ended up as masks. Always on the look for something or someone to fill that hole.

my conclusion is that it’s tricky because anything - even not using masks - can be turned into another mask/persona/“solution“. And since it’s so automated, it’s hard not to do.

person X: hey, how are you?

me: any response that isn’t “im doing good! hbu?”

person X: (fades away)

-

6 days later

person X: oh sorry, I forgot to reply. (…)

Some examples:

- Bought an article that is unhelpful because it was marketed broadly and vaguely, got an hour of rage mode and arguing with AI about the ethnics of it in general, then sent it back

> thoughts: "Ah well, should've looked it up before, it's your own fault" / "Ah, is your tiny little ego hurt now? Because of something so small? Get over it, nerd." / "Are you gonna cry now? Look at yourself and don't blame the world for your mistakes" / "now someone is gonna have to deal with this because you couldn't read"

- Thinking about explaining about npd to a friend in hope of understanding

> thoughts: "You're just evil, get away, filth" / "Don't you realise its just about you, you don't care about others, don't expect understanding" / "Bad people like you don't deserve understanding. I distance myself from people like you" / "You don't deserve friends, friendship needs love, you don't have that. Demon" / "Hahahaha what understanding? What is the friend supposed to say? You just want new supply"

- Thinking about reading a book about npd

> thoughts: (remembers quote of such a book that went like 'oh, so you've been a little evil, haven't ya? Want redemption, want to be a good person, like the other people? Well, you gotta work for that. Work the evil out of you' -> exaggerated) / "like as if reading a book would help you" / "you were born this way, there's no help for you" / "you just gonna use it as another mask and pretend you know it but you don't, don't even try" / "you gonna cry because of your ego again, aren't you? You don't want to heal, you just want to cry and relate to a book to boost your ego."

There's so many more exmaples, and they are obviously not good, destructive and all. But they seem to be a byproduct of reading peoples' opinions online, hearing people talk about it, and past signals from childhood.