Sometimes I(20f) feel uncomfortable with my boyfriend cross dressing. Please help me. I can’t stop thinking about it.
This post will be long but bear with me. I’d like to start by saying I am not hateful. I am not trying to be hateful. I’m trying my best to understand my partner. If I say something insensitive, I am very sorry. I am a 20 year old bisexual woman (male leaning) and I’ve been dating this guy for a while. He’s the most understanding boyfriend ever and puts up with me. He is extremely loving to me, praises me all the time and is very affectionate. I love it the most when he kisses my hand like a medieval knight. Likewise, I am not afraid to say that I treat him with the most care a person can give and I make sure he is supported. I love that he expresses himself so freely. Our relationship is very healthy. If we have problems, we address them calmly right away. We communicate and have incredibly good banter, basically bouncing off of each other perfectly.
We met in university and I knew he dressed in women’s clothes sometimes but I didn’t know that it would be to this extent. He likes frilly lace stuff and skirts. Most of the time, he wears long sleeved lace shirts and long skirts, usually black and white. He doesn’t wear fake breasts but has considered getting a wig. I didn’t mind this. But since I am more attracted to masculinity than femininity, I have voiced that I still want to see him in male clothes and he was okay with it.
I found out recently he identified himself as non-binary and queer. (I asked multiple times if he was okay with me addressing him with male pronouns as I don’t ever want to hurt him and he doesn’t mind. He even likes it when I call him “my man”, “my boyfriend”. When he speaks, even while crossdressing, he uses male pronouns for himself in our language.
Here are some factors that I think could contribute to my uncomfortableness
I don’t like when people automatically assume he’s gay or trans because of his clothing and am afraid I will only be perceived as a beard to him
Some people in the queer community have called him boy lady / slur that belongs to the community in a liberating way, implying he’s trans/gay or that he will inevitably become that in the future
I don’t like when people call him or if he calls himself “femboy” because the term seems so sexualized to me. In the same vein as goth dommy mommy (My unease gets triggered when
I don’t like when people assume we are into weird kinky fetishy stuff. (Someone once asked us who did the f***ing in the relationship)
Sometimes when he’s cross-dressing, I feel he tends to be eager to be with his “out of the norm, cool philosophical, unconventional abstract” friends. It feels like he is less affectionate to me too.
I feel like I’m not woke enough for him because gender in my view, while not hateful is less profound and abstract like his. He has a very negative view on gender norms while mine is not that negative though we both agree that nobody should be defined by gender)
Sometimes when I’m with him, I feel like maybe I’m too masculine and don’t feel like a woman.
He says dressing as a man is just nothing special and he dresses as a man when he wants to blend in. I wish he could love his masculine side equally as his feminine side and explores fashionable options in masculine fashion as well.
I am afraid that I am confining him to gender roles and that I’m impeding him from expressing himself. We agreed that he would dress himself when femme and I could give outfit recs/ clothing gifts for masc clothing but sometimes it feels like I’m pushing it onto him.
I am afraid of him becoming trans. (There is nothing wrong with being trans. Trans women are women and I support them)However, I don’t know if I can support a lover while they transition. It would feel like losing some part of a person you used to know. Not to mention, the sexual anatomy and all are too much for me to handle. I expressed this concern before and he laughed, saying there was about 0.01 percent of it happening. Still, I’m afraid that might change after say 10 years.
I feel jealous that he gets to enjoy the benefits of being feminine while not having to deal with periods, hormones, gender pay gap inequality and all the prejudices received as women. It feels strange when he feels like he’s a part of a marginalized group somewhat.
This person is the apple of my eye. He expresses love for me so much. I know I’m the problem and I don’t want to lose him. He treats me so well and I don’t deserve him. How do I stop thinking about all of these concerns? They make me scared to the point of heart palpitations and nausea. I am panicking.