u/TillQueasy

TLDR: I told my partner that him questioning me is harmful and has led me to feeling anxious with/question how I interact with others, and I said it felt a bit controlling. At first he said he understood but now he's saying he needs time to process and that what I said was harmful.

This is a long one, sorry ]:

For context, we've been dating for about a year. There have been several instances in which we have been out in public or interacting with other people in a group setting, where afterwards he shuts down and when I ask him to talk to me about what's going on, he'll tell me he observed me checking someone out. Cheating has never been something that is on my radar or something that I would consider doing whatsoever, I am deeply in love with my partner and so it's hurtful when he tells me he saw me do something that I didn't do and won't accept a reality other than his own.

There's one instance in particular from months ago where he observed me smiling at or otherwise interacting with a mutual acquaintance in a way that made him question my intentions with him, something I don'teven remember doing (and again, I know who I am and I know I would never even think to do something that was disloyal to him), and no matter what I've said or done it still gets brought up from time to time and he says he has trouble moving on from that "gut feeling" that it gave him. I dont know why this particular instance sticks with him, but there have been many other instances where he's expressed similar things that he'd observed, like looking at his friends or talking to them in a way that must mean that I'm interested in them romantically. He's also said he feels like I "code-switch" depending on who I'm talking to. As someone who is audhd, literally every interaction I have with people I don't know that well/ not as comfortable with is scripted because I'm masking and that's just... how my brain works??

There were even a few times where he'd point out specific movements or things I did and name them as signals that I am interested in those people. For example, we were on facetime once and I raised my arms up in the air when his friend came into the room, which he thought was weird. Another time we went out to eat and I got super passionate about something I was talking about and he pointed out that I started to avert eye contact and made the association between that and checking out a group of people that had just walked into the restaurant. Another time- and the very first time something like this had happened- we had gone to the grocery store and then when we got back to my house he told me he felt like I was playing him and manipulating him because he thought he saw me look at someone at the grocery store (which he did sincerely apologize for and retract, but it still points to a larger, recurring pattern).

He's struggled with severe mental health issues in the past, and has trauma from a past relationship where they would flirt with other people in front of him and go out with other guys and then tell him he was out of line for being upset, so I feel like I'm in this weird purgatory in the sense that I don't want to invalidate how he feels but I also know who I am and what my values are and it's exhausting to feel like I have to defend myself against something I didn't do. Literally nothing I ever do is with the intention of betraying him or out of interest in anyone else because I'm simply not. But when he tells me about these things that he observes, I feel like I'm under a microscope, and I just feel stuck because no matter how I respond.

Yesterday, he brought up the thing again about me smiling at our mutual acquaintance, and I told him that it's hurtful that he keeps bringing it up because it conveys a lack of trust in my intentions with him. The thing is that he just stays stuck in telling me about how he felt a vibe and how he can't let it go.

I brought up how when we first got together, something he told me was that he never wanted to be controlling, and explained that when these things happen, and I feel like nothing i say is the right thing or reassuring, i can’t help but feel observed, or feel nervous in social settings because I dont know if something I do will be interpreted as me showing interest in someone else. I told him that I brought up the thing about control because these statements have made me feel like I need to change certain behavior that isn't even something I'm doing.

I told him that him saying he saw that I looked at someone or gave someone "eyes" makes me feel stuck, because I don’t know how to respond; we’re human, we look at people, we smile at people.

I made sure to clarify that the reason I brought up the thing from when we were first getting together wasn’t to make him feel bad or say that he's a controlling person; I was just trying to convey the disconnect between what I know he doesn't want want to do and how his reactions impact me even though it’s not his ntention. He went into a shame spiral, but at the same time he apologized and told me he felt horrible but that isn’t my fault, he’s glad I was honest and he didn’t even realize how pointing these things out to me is inherently hurtful. He went back and forth between being reaffirming, to then saying I deserved better and that I don’t deserve to be treated like this, and so I told him very gently that now that he knows, if he thinks I deserve better, then he should do better. I reaffirmed that I know that’s not who he is and I that know it comes from a place of insecurity rather than a conscious desire to control how I act, and how I'm telling tell him this because I love him and respect him and want both of us to feel comfortable with who we are. He commended me for opening up and said that he recognizes that it couldn't have been easy to say and that it took courage to say it, but he just kept going back and forth between shame spiraling and affirmation.

Then this morning, he texted me and told me that he still felt hurt from our conversation. I responded and said that I understand, that it was not my intent to hurt him and that I just hope we can grow from this. He then responded and said that though he understands what I was saying, it doesn't negate the fact that it was hurtful, that using the word controlling is very heavy and harmful, that he needs time to heal from it, and that he wants to feel like he can open up and be validated and have productive conversations without being made to feel poorly about himself. This really confused me because I felt like he was receptive yesterday, but this response made me feel like he's focusing more on how what I expressed made him feel rather than what I was communicating. I stood my ground and I apologized for it landing this way, but that I still think it was important for me to express how his actions have affected me, and that I felt validated yesterday but now I feel as though I've done something wrong. Then he responded and said he is glad that I shared this with him, but that it doesn't negate the fact that he now perceives himself as controlling to the point of feeling anxious with him in social settings, and that naturally he feels awful and he just had no idea that I percieved what he was doing as controlling, but that he understands that it's an issue of insecurity/jealousy and that he's sorry but he also needs time to process.

Anyways. I just don't know how to interpret his reaction, I don't know if I did the wrong thing or if I should have approached it differently. I thought I did the right thing but now I'm not so sure.

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