u/Tiny_Channel_7302

I am so beyond HCBM and all of her bs. Idk where to even begin..for starters DH gets SD (f4) every weekend. A couple of weekends ago HCBM texted DH bright and early Saturday morning asking if she could get SD for a couple of hours so they could go to a family cookout but stated it was okay if not. We had plans and also had a sitter scheduled for that night and her plans conflicted with our plans so DH said no..well of course that turned into a huge blowout. So we agreed that SD could go but she would have to stay the night and we would pick her up Sunday morning. BM agreed and said she was on her way to pick SD up. We wait almost an hour and she has not shown up. When asked where she was BM said nvm she can just stay..but we had already canceled the sitter so no that’s not gonna work. We end up dropping her off to BM and she starts yelling at DH calling him everything but a child of God. SD was visibly upset so I chimed in and said you know there’s children present let’s not do this..well that set her off and she tried to fight me and threw stuff at my car. We leave..not even an hour later she texts and says the “cookout” is over and we can pick SD up, but we were already at the event we were going to and we couldn’t. Well we don’t end up getting her Sunday morning and later that day BM goes to jail for domestic violence (her current boyfriend).

So now to the birthday party. We asked months ago who would be throwing the birthday party this year since we did it last year and she said she wanted to. She’s been giving us the run around in the months following..well turns out there was no birthday planned and SD birthday is in a week. She claims she can’t throw the birthday party because she used all of her money getting out of jail..so now DH has taken it upon himself…we all know that really means US..to throw this birthday party.

I am beyond fed up. I don’t even want to be a part of the party or hosting it. BM doesn’t have a job and hasn’t for months and just sits around all day drinking (who knows what else) and thinking of how she can make our lives harder. DH and I had an argument over this and I told him I’m done giving her passes and letting this behavior continue. At this point we are enabling her because she can just treat us any kind of way and do whatever she wants and we pick up the pieces.

I don’t even know where to begin. I met my SD when she was 1.5yo she is now almost 4..at the begging things were alright, typical HCBM stuff but bm had a job, a car, and her own place. Well fast forward to this past year she has now lost everything, no job, no car, and no home. They are living with bm mother who is an active user but I guess they have a roof over their head? At the begging of this year there was an issue when it came to who was watching sd when her bm was working so her and DH decided it would be best if sd went to daycare. Daycare went ok…besides the fact that sd hardly ever went. Eventually DH got fed up paying for daycare because sd was not going more than she was. So bm took sd out of daycare and now during her time (she gets weekdays DH get every weekend) she is God knows where, with God knows who, doing God knows what. Sd is 4 and just started getting potty trained. When she is with us she does great, no accidents. We only use pull-ups for naps and bedtime. Bm is consistently sending sd to us in soiled diapers that seem like they have been on for quite some time. We decided we would share bday parties every other year so this year is bm turn and sd birthday is coming up and we have heard no bday plans. I’m just frustrated. I don’t have children of my own but I hate just seeing this poor child basically just existing. No learning, no positive environment. Just there. Her mom has her pretty much couch surfing with her. Bm is very male centered and changes boyfriends like she changes clothes. Bm is also an alcoholic and there’s been speculation that she is also an active user. I am also under the impression that when we drop sd off to bm she pawns her off to her mother because I’ve had people tell me about her social media posts out at all hours of the night drinking during her time with sd (we live in a small town) and when we go pick sd up for the weekend she cries not wanting to leave bm, that just started happening a couple of weeks ago she’s never done that prior. I just don’t know what to do. DH has his feelings about it but he is very non confrontational and I just worry if he doesn’t address this soon it’s going to spiral out of control and we will eventually become primary parents and have to pick up the pieces.