Advice needed for eldery grandmother w/ dementia living with family
Hi all, as mentioned in the title, my grandmother that has dementia, is staying with us and its starting to take quite a bit of toll on our lives. Context - I'm in my mid 20s, sister is in her mid 30s, and both parents are in their mid 60s. Everyone is working, except dad up until recently.
In the recent years, my grandmother's condition has worsened quite a bit. It has come to the point where my dad has to stay at home and care for her daily, despite us getting a FDW. When my mum comes back from work, she also has to actively respond to my grandma too. To be specific, my grandmother essentially requires help to do everything, and is wheelchair bound. From things like getting out of bed to the wheelchair, to eating meals, showering, urinating/defacating - all requires help. My grandma is quite heavy so some of these things are a two person job - FDW is not able to look after her alone 24/7.
I can see that my parents are getting to the age where they should really look after their own health (mum is supposedly retiring soon), and having to handle my grandma is not helping at all to say the least. Because of my grandma's dementia, she constantly screams and wails, wants to switch between getting out of bed and on the wheelchair just after staying put for a few minutes. This essentially happens the whole day.
Because of this, my mum is now suffering some sort of lower back pain after carrying her around multiple times a day. When we tell grandma that we can't keep on doing this, she wails loudly and often curses us, says things like we don't care for her, etc. The wailing also happens extremely loudly when my mum / FDW is helping her clean her bowels and showering. At night, she also wails loudly to the point where everyone in their rooms can hear it. My dad has no choice but to attend to her but most of the time we don't even know what she wants, she usually just spouts nonsense which is presumably from her hallucinations, e.g. she thinks she is going to pass on, we are not filial, etc.
Some things we have considered:
Sending to daycare - We did float this suggestion to my grandma but I think she's at the point where she is skeptical and doesn't want to hear us out. She thinks we are sending her to an 'old folks home' and that we don't want her anymore. It also doesn’t solve the constant wailing that prevents my parents from sleeping at night
Getting a caregiver alongside the current FDW - We did try this once but she screamed even more when they were both helping her around. I think it's because there's too many 'unfamiliar' faces and she is scared. From what I understand, its also not possible to have the same caregiver stay with us 24/7, or even if it was possible, it would be too expensive and we don't have space in our HDB for a FDW + caregiver.
On the off chance where my grandma can hold proper conversations, she is alright. But 80-90% of the time, her voice is just wailing which can be heard across the entire house.
We used to be able to go out as a family, but now, at the age where my parents are supposed to be retiring, are suffering because of this. We can't even go out as a family during weekends anymore. I feel that its so unfair - my other relatives (children of my grandma), are all more well-off than us, stay in landed, etc and they simply do not care enough to share the burden my dad (and mum) is going through.
I can also see that if things continue this way, my parents health will deteriorate much faster and might end up in the same fate as my grandma, to which the burden of taking care of them would end up with me and my sister. I don't know what to do.