u/TomahawkA5

He goes to the shop owner and says, "I'm celebrating my birthday. How much for your finest cigar?"
"I've got just the cigar for such an occasion," says the owner, "It's a hundred dollars."
"All right, I'll take it."
Jerry opens it outside and takes a few experimental puffs. The taste was abominable. He puts it out and storms back inside.
"How dare you sell me such a stinker! What's the idea?"
"Trust me," says the shop owner. "You're a very lucky man."
"Lucky?? With such a cigar?"
"That's right," says the shop owner. "You only have one of those foul stogies. I have a whole store full of 'em!"

“Umm… can’t say that I have,” says the traveler.
“Follow me.”
The sheriff takes the traveler to an outdoor grill where there's a giant taco lying flat on a grill top. It had arms, legs, and a human-looking face. It also has a hole oozing red sauce.
“Jesus,” says the traveler. “I wasn’t expecting it to be so literal, but you hit the nail on the head. That’s a dead taco.”
“Damn right it is. Want to see a dead quesadilla?”
“Sure.”
The sheriff leads him to another roadside grill and it’s a similar scene. A quesadilla with all the appendages, a face, and a hole oozing salsa verde.”
“Wow,” says the traveler. “It’s strange enough that you have anthropomorphic Mexican food in this town. But why are they all dead?”
“That easy,” says the sheriff. "Cause I shot ‘em. So let this be a warning. You best watch your step.”
“Got it. But why did you shoot them?”
“Can't you see I had no choice? They was turnin' into vampiros!” 

The therapist tells him, “I would suggest finding a real hobby. One that gets you out of the house. Try it this week and come back.”

The man shrugs. “Well, I guess it’s worth a shot.”

The man goes back the following week and is on cloud nine. “Doc! I took your advice and I’ve had the best week ever. I must have been to a dozen different pubs, I went foraging for mushrooms, and I’ve been on all sorts of adventures.”

“That’s great to hear. What did you do different?”

“Instead of telling you, why don’t I show you?”

The man opens the door and pulls in a little person with shaggy hair, bare feet, and smoking a long wooden pipe.

The therapist is confused. “What does this person have to do with your new hobby?”

There’s a long pause before the man replies, “Ohhh. Did you say get a hobby? 

Groucho: Contestant Number One, tell us a little about yourself.
Contestant: My name is Susan Gardner. I'm a full-time mom and homemaker, and I have 17 children.
Groucho: 17 children?? That's incredible!
Contestant: Well, I love my husband.
Groucho: Lady, I love my cigar. But I take it out of my mouth once in a while.

I'd like to buy an owl.

That’s when you cook a chicken at very high temperature while pooping in your pants.

Because they let absolutely anybody jump on them.

Suture self.

The problem was that Gordon had never stayed up until 11:30 pm his entire life. He’d always been an early-to-bed guy and the latest he ever made it was 10:00 pm. He had tried to drink loads of coffee and had even taken No-Doz, but he was immune to caffeine. He always requested to go first in his comedy sets so he could head home right after.

He explained his dilemma to his doctor in hopes of finding a solution.

“Well,” said his doctor, “I’m not supposed to tell you this, but there’s only one thing that will keep you awake for certain. Cocaine.”

“Cocaine? But Dr. Spachemin, isn’t that dangerous and highly addictive?”

“Oh extremely. You’ll definitely be coming back to me to treat your severe addiction in the future, so in a way, this is a good business decision for both of us. You have my blessing, if not my prescription.”

Gordon managed to connect with a shady dealer and procured some fresh snow. He tested it out and it worked like a charm. He stayed up all night for the first time ever.

He got replenishments for the night of the big season premiere show. Unfortunately, what Gordon had no way of knowing was that the dealer had run out of cocaine and sold him a bag of baking soda. 

As showtime drew nearer, he fought with everything he had to stay awake, but was feeling drowsier by the minute. He snorted the whole bag and realized he’d been scammed. Still, he managed to hang on by a thread until the opening sketch that featured him, but he conked out halfway through.

They carried him off and plopped him down in his subsequent sketches. He’d get through the first few seconds, then fall right back to sleep.

He was startled awake by the final applause of the audience and stumbled backstage, sure that a furious Lorne would fire him on the spot. Instead, he was met with a standing ovation from the cast and crew.

He was beyond confused until Lorne patted him on the back and said,  “Gordon, the audience absolutely loved seeing a comedian who wasn’t woke.”

While sulking on a walk, he spotted a four-leaf clover.

“Maybe my luck has turned,” he said hopefully to himself.

He picked it up, and suddenly, a little leprechaun with a bushy red beard appeared. It did a little dance and sang: “Hiya! I’m Happy McTavish, the magical leprechaun! It’s yer lucky fokkin’ day! Make yourself a wish, and I’ll grant it straight away! He-he-he!”

Nigel didn’t hesitate. “I wish to be on the pitch with England in the World Cup final!”

“DONE!”

The leprechaun snapped its fingers, and a moment later, Nigel was on the pitch. It was all he could do to not burst into tears. Then Nigel thought – Hold on. Where are my arms and legs?

Then BAM! Kicked in the face. BAM! Kicked in the face. BAM! Kicked in the face.

“It’s so serious,” says the attorney, “That I like to lighten the mood in these situations by telling a funny joke. Stop me if you’ve heard this. A man is lost in the desert, dying of thirst, when he spots a man on a camel. Please stop me if you’ve heard this. He runs to the man on the camel and begs him for water.”

“Is this the one with the neckties?”

“Hold on, hold on – the man on the camel says, ‘I don’t have water, but I do have neckties! Buy two get one free!”

"Yes, I’ve heard this one. He gets to the oasis and a tie is required."

“Let me finish. But stop me if you’ve heard this. The thirsty guy says, ‘I don’t need a tie! I need water! Okay, says the tie salesman, you drive a hard bargain. Half off all ties, just for you!”

“Please stop. I’ve heard this.”

“And the guy says, “I don’t want your damn ties! Just tell me where I can find water!"

“You can stop.”

“The tie salesman says, ‘Fine. Just go two miles north; you’ll find an oasis. Plenty of water there.”

“For God’s sake, stop, I’ve heard this.”

“He gets to the oasis and is about to jump into the water, but he’s stopped by a guard.”

“Yeah, yeah,” says the attorney’s client. “The guard says: ‘Sorry, you can’t come in. Tie’s required.”

“You’ve heard this? Why didn’t you stop me?”

“I did tell you to stop. I told you, like, a dozen times, and you didn’t!”

“And that,” says the attorney, “is why you’re fucked.”

...We’d like our baby to keep its liver.”

I’m not sure why they even call it a delivery. It seems like more of a take-out situation.  

The doctor asked if we wanted to have a C-section. I said, “I don’t care what section we’re in, but I’d prefer to stay on land.”

“So you’ll be having a natural childbirth?” I  said, “I can’t speak for my wife, but I’ll be keeping my clothes on.”

I wanted to stay in the room, but as soon as they gave my wife permission to push I flew out the door.

I crept back in, but things took a turn for the worse and I had to leave the room. After a while, the doctor came out with a solemn expression. He handed me a baby and said, “Your wife didn’t make it.” So I handed the baby back and said, “Then please bring me the one she did make.” Doctor said “Okay I’ll be right back.” He brought me our baby and my wife was just fine. 

After the birth, I asked the doctor how soon we could have sex. He said, “My shift ends at 5. Meet me outside.”

My wife sniffed the diaper and asked me to change the baby. I said, “But I like this one.” 

Our baby girl was born 4 weeks early and fortunately she did not go to the NIC-U. She went to NIC Community College and saved us a lot of money.

When our baby first started walking she got into a lot of trouble, so eventually we had to tell her “Look, you’re just too young to be in a gang.” 

If you do decide to get a C-section, be prepared to feel like Simba’s mom in The Lion King. You still have your pride, but you’re going to have to live with a scar. 

They promise to meet up again after the ship docks. 

A week later, Saul calls Morty. “Morty, I got two tickets to the New York Philharmonic on Friday. An evening of Bach and Beethoven. Want to come with me?”

“Wow! Bach! Beethoven! I could think of nothing more sublime. But unfortunately, I can’t come on Friday night. Shapiro is playing.”

“Oh,” says Saul, disappointed.

The following week, Saul calls Morty again. “Morty, I got us two tickets to La Boheme starring Andrea Bocelli for Saturday night!”

“Incredible! Bocelli and La Boheme - my two favorites! But sadly, I cannot make it Saturday night. Shapiro is playing!”

Saul decides to give him one more chance the following week. “Morty, you’re not going to believe this, but the Louvre has sent the Mona Lisa itself to the Met for a one-night-only exhibition Wednesday night. Tickets? Forget it. Not even the mayor can get in. But I managed to snag one for each of us.”

“The Mona Lisa?! It’s a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity! Oh my friend, I want to be there so badly, but unfortunately—

“Let me guess. Shapiro is playing?”

“He is!” 

“Morty, I’m insulted! I’ve never heard of this guy. Who the hell is this Shapiro? What does he play??”

“My friend, I don’t know what Shapiro plays. I don’t know where he plays it. All I know is, when Shapiro is playing, I’m shtupping his wife!” 

“Well, times have been tough for me for quite some time. Joke book sales are at an all-time low. Gen Z doesn’t like to go out to comedy clubs. Even sitcoms are few and far between. What’s a joke like me supposed to do? People seem to go to r/Jokes on Reddit, but no joke has ever actually made money there. I figured people always like a good joke in the office so this could be a good fit for me.”
“Well, I’m sorry for your situation, but you don’t have any experience actually running an office, so I don’t think this is the right job for you.”
“What about CEO? I heard they’re complete jokes.”
“I don’t think the board would approve it.”
“What about employee morale? Is that a joke?”
“Yes, but that’s a non-paying position.”

The joke continues interviewing other places, but everywhere he goes, it’s the same story –No jobs for a decent joke these days.

Sorry guys, I wish I could give you a happy ending with a snappy punchline, but this joke just doesn’t work. 

“I see. Well, in that case, we’ll run some tests so you have peace of mind.”
They do the tests and the dctor comes back into the office. “Well, sir, good news. We’ve run every test there is, and you are fit as a fiddle.”
“Oh, thank God.”
“Yes, there’s only one small issue. There’s a slight chance you’re just a character in a joke and your existence is going to come to a sudden, abrupt end.”
“What? What the fuck are you–

“Captain!” says the crew member, “We received a message. It says, ‘Surface and surrender immediately or we’ll torpedo you to oblivion.”
“Perfect,” says the captain. “Now’s our chance. Write back: No need for that. I’m just a whale!” 

Edit: pretend like I’m not an idiot and used sonar instead of radar.

...A jar of sauerkraut? Used old sunglasses? A 99-cent Hot Wheels car? Clearly they are sending me a message. They don’t like me.”
“Honey, I’m sure they like you just fine. Suck it up because you can’t not come for Christmas.”

Steve stews about it and decides he’ll go, but he’ll send his own message. Giving zero effs at this point, he decides to save up his bowel movements for three days and then absolutely fills up two gift boxes with bile. Then he labels them for each in-law. ‘I'll show 'em what a real crappy gift is,’ he thinks proudly to himself.

Christmas arrives and it’s time to open presents. His in-laws announce, “Let’s unveil our gift to Steve first.” Steve rolls his eyes, but then his in-laws lead him outside and present him with a brand new Mercedes convertible with a big bow around it.
“Steve,” says his father-in-law, “we know our gifts haven’t been so great the last few years, but that’s because we’ve been saving up for your dream car for you.”
The mother-in-law adds, “We hope you got the hints from the sauerkraut, the toy car, and the sunglasses.”
Steve is so overwhelmed that he barely notices they have started to open his presents for them.
He sees them and shouts, “No wait!” But it’s too late. His in-laws and his wife recoil in disgust and look at him in horrified confusion.
Steve shrugs and says, “If it makes you feel better, I also saved up.” 

“Are you just trying to get out of your chores? It’s been months and you haven’t cleaned the garage, changed the smoke detectors, anchored the new cabinets, sanded the back porch—
“Yeah yeah yeah, I’ll get to all that after I get back from ninja camp.”

Two weeks later, the door swings open and Marty’s wife sees a ninja dressed in black with a full mask standing there with a bloody katana.
“So, how was ninja camp?” she asks.
The ninja removes his mask and she sees it’s not Marty, but a young Asian man.
He lowers his head and says, “I regret to inform you that yesterday your husband challenged me to a battle to the death. I was the victor, and he has been slain.”
“Oh no! My poor Marty!”
“By the ninja code, I am honor-bound to both inform you and assist you in anything you might need.”
“Oh good,” she chirps. “I do have a list.” 

EDIT:

Alternate Punchline from user I liked as well:

He lowers his head and says, “I regret to inform you that yesterday your husband challenged me to a battle to the death. I was the victor, and he has been slain.”
“Jesus Christ," she responds. "Marty will do anything to get out of cleaning the damn garage."

Another suggested alternate that's also really good:

“Yeah yeah yeah, I’ll get to all that after I get back from ninja camp.”

At some point Marty came home, but she never saw him again.

Alan Tudyk.

"How could a hog be a genie?" the alligator grunts.

"Doesn’t matter," says the hog. "I’m gonna be dead in five seconds, and you won’t get your wish!"

The alligator lets go and blurts out, "Fine. I want a billion dollars. Cash."

"Granted," says the hog. Then one billion in hundred-dollar bills appears in the stream and the hog runs off. 

The alligator's friend swims up to him and says, "What kind of wish was that? What the hell is an alligator supposed to do with a billion dollars? You could’ve had an amazing hog dinner."

"To be honest," says the alligator, "I prefer humans."