u/TonyAtlas840

Checking in. I’m on day 9. Slept well after 4th of July celebrations.

I woke up and went to play golf in 93 degree weather. Sweat my ever loving ass off and my legs felt heavy, but I had a blast. It gave me a lot of confidence that I can actually do things again without needing kratom.

I’m home now and just had pizza with my kids. Probably should have picked something healthier, but it was easy/convenient. I feel absolutely fine right now with the one symptom being that my bones from my knees down hurt. It feels like something is just squeezing the life out of my lower legs.

For those of you in your first few days, keep going. In full transparency, I thought about “using a just a little”. I told myself something I think I read here. Temporary relief is not worth permanent pain. I also couldn’t live with myself if I spiraled and put my wife through the past week again. Day after day she cared for our kids when I couldn’t. I owe it to myself and my family (especially my wife) to never touch the shit sludge again.

Thanks for letting me get my thoughts out there. Good luck to everybody going through it right now.

Going to post daily updates for a bit for my own accountability. I slept from 11:30-7am last night. Didn’t exactly wake up with “jump out of bed energy”. Woke up and had some coffee - definitely more alert.

Had another family over the house yesterday and was totally fine. Right before they arrived, I panicked a bit but showered quickly and felt a ton better.

Have some chills this morning but not feeling terrible. I’m supposed to do multiple things today/tonight so hopefully I can muster up the energy.

Can never tell how the day will be until late morning. Hopefully I can figure out a way to have some fun today and be present with my family.

Not sure what the point of this post is outside of checking in, but happy to have a place to talk about how I am feeling.

Checking in on day 7. I’m very happy to have a week clean. This is usually where I turn a corner but I’m certainly not expecting it based on how much higher my intake was when I CTd this time.

I slept from about 11pm to 4am today - I suppose 5 full hours isn’t bad. I was drinking thc seltzers and getting 6-7 hours the previous 3 days, but I was a long term cannabis user and wanted that to be very short term.

Things that keep me excited and willing to put up with feeling like this:

• Eating like a regular human again. I’ve lost so much muscle and use to be a much bigger guy. I’ve had a lot of people make jokes about how skinny I am and for some reason it hurts. I was a gym rat and my life turned into obsessively taking kratom, working too much, and not prioritizing time or being present in life
• My relationship with my wife and kids. My wife knows what’s going on and has been extremely patient with me. Been through it before and we both thought I’d be in a better place by Tuesday but she’s still been carrying the load.
• My dry skin, dry scalp and overall appearance to return to normal.
• Connecting with my family better. I live pretty far away and I use to call them at least every couple days. In the past few months both my sister in law and sister have said “you’re no fun anymore”. I use to be very witty and light up a room and I feel it slowly coming back
• Not being constipated
• Having my hormones return to normal and being intimate with my wife on a regular basis

There are so many more things I could name but those are the big ones. Anyway, happy to be here with other people who are fighting the same fight I am.

I go on social media or hear my friends making plans in group chats and I sit here in withdrawal so jealous of them enjoying life in a way that I don’t believe is possible (for me anyway) while on kratom.

F this insidious plant that caused me to feel like a bystander in my own life. All of the precious memories that I can’t access in my brain.

The only way out is through, no matter how long it takes or how hard it gets.

I’m on day 5 from actively taking Kratom all day every day. I did take about 2 grams one day and it didn’t do much or really set me back. The only thing it did was make me realize that this shit is disgusting.

Anybody looking for motivation - go to tik tok and search Kratom before and after. The difference in people’s appearances is insane/incredible. I couldn’t believe it - some of them look like before and after of people taking hard drgs.

You can also search google and it shows a couple examples of skim hyperpigmentation (most in the face).

Certainly strengthens my resolve as I haven’t been able to be very productive the last 5 days and have felt pretty crappy.

I’ve got 3 beautiful children and an amazing wife who doesn’t do anything but have a couple glasses of wine. I’ve quit probably 5 times and I pray to whatever divine being is out there that this is my last. Really feels like I’m on the verge of losing everything I’ve built since getting clean from Oxy in 2015.