Am I (F) losing attraction to my FTM spouse? Is this normal?
I started dating my partner in 2020 when he identified as a cisgender woman. At that time, I (cisgender woman), considered myself bisexual because I had been with men and women. My partner was a more masculine presenting lesbian, but still had very feminine features. We moved fairly quickly and had a very healthy sex life. I was in love and knew this was the person I wanted to spend my life with. We worked through other challenges and truly built a strong and solid relationship. He’s my best friend.
Fast forward to 2022 and we were engaged. Later that year, he sat me down and told me he wanted to use they/them pronouns. I was not shocked and kind of expected this. As we were planning our wedding, he came out as trans. I was supportive (I still had overwhelming positive and negative feelings. It’s a huge change!), I loved him, and I was so sure that my feelings for him wouldn’t change because he was still… well, him. I fell in love with his laugh, his kindness, and his adventurous spirit. It’s not like I fell in love with his physical feminine features. So, we proceeded with our wedding and have now been married for 2 years.
During our marriage, he has cut his hair, had top surgery and started testosterone. I’ve noticed that through each of these steps, I feel more and more distant from him. He is still my best friend. We share so many laughs and adventures. My family adores him. I miss him when he’s away on work trips. But our sex life is pretty much nonexistent… because of me. The testosterone has 100% increased his sex drive but I get cold feet every time he suggests something. He’s asked me if I’m not attracted to him and I never know the answer, so I always find some lame excuse for not being in the mood (not my best move, but I can’t even figure out the feelings I want to communicate).
Over the last year, I also find myself with strong feelings of jealousy for those in wlw relationships. I miss the femininity and softness of our relationship. I’ve started questioning if I’m actually a lesbian and if I’m finding more platonic love towards my husband. I want him to be happy, and after his transition he has truly come into his own as a person. I love seeing him so comfortable and joyful in his skin. But I can’t help feeling resentment that he gets to live his truth while I am questioning everything. Then I feel guilty for feeling that way…I’m just at a loss. I don’t want to give up on an otherwise strong and healthy relationship. But I can’t stop feeling like something is missing… how do I even bring up this conversation? Is there any solution? Again, I feel lost.