Relapsed after 4 years
Here’s a short story about me. It’s probably a bit too much, but I’ll share it anyway.
Basically, from a very young age, I can remember touching myself before going to sleep, and I had this picture of a naked woman that I tore out of a newspaper. I did that for quite a long time.
A few years later, when I was about 7 or 8, a man from our village showed us porn on a DVD. There were five of us boys there. While he was showing it, a video of two men came on. That same night, when I got home, I had a dream where I was touching one of those four boys, and it really aroused me.
Not long after that, while I was still 8, I had my first kind of semi-sexual experience with another kid from the village—one of those same boys. After that, we kept exploring, and after a few years it turned into actual sex, which I continued for many years.
I remember how convinced I was that what I was doing was a huge mistake and a sin. When I went to confession for my First Communion, I didn’t confess it because I was afraid the priest would tell someone. I still received communion, and I always carried guilt because of what I had done.
Then college came. I started partying and using drugs, and at that point I was sure that God didn’t exist and that I had been living a lie my whole life. That lasted for a few years, until I felt the presence of a living God again, and I slowly started to change—although I was still smoking weed, drinking alcohol, and watching porn.
Eventually, I decided to fully give my life to Christ and live in celibacy. It was beautiful. I felt so good during that time.
And now, after four years of complete celibacy and nofap, I’ve fallen back, and I don’t feel guilt anymore. I’ve gone back to everything I used to do.
I don’t feel a need for God anymore. I don’t feel that closeness. The doubts are coming back strong, and I don’t know what to do. At one point, I felt so close to God that I believed He would change me and bless me with a wife and children…
It’s interesting that I relapsed right after moving from Europe to America—why do I feel so many temptations? It’s honestly really scary.
Pray for me guys <3
Satan pursues every soul he can grasp.