I can’t stop
Hi everyone,
I was confirmed this past Easter. I have been a habitual self-pleaser since I was roughly 9-11 years old. I was able to kick pornography, but the self-pleasing on its own has felt completely impossible to quit. When I was deeply depressed (before my conversion) a couple of years ago/last year I would do it for hours on end and even leave public places so I could go home and do it. I’ve definitely slowed from that but it’s still a frequent issue. This week was my record (1 full week). I’m in confession every week (often multiple times) and I have hardly ever been able to receive communion. It’s such a frustrating cycle and I feel like I cannot win. I’ll fully commit to quitting, have no desire to do it, and then something will come over me and I just cannot tolerate sitting with the urge. Yet, the guilt, shame, and disgust in the comedown is so overwhelming and I’m constantly in fear if I die I’ll go to hell. It genuinely feels like madness and I feel like I’m not ever going to be able to stop. I have a spiritual director but honestly I don’t think it’s been very helpful (I can see him once every couple of months for 20 mins and I feel like it’s the same thing every time). If anyone has any advice it would be very appreciated. I think what I find most challenging is being able to tolerate the physical feeling of horniness lack of a better term, sometimes for hours on end, and not get any relief from the feeling without self-pleasing.