Sudden breakdown over my dog I lost 10 years ago
Sorry for the long post ahead, I’m having a full breakdown about her loss for the first time since her passing.
I’m 31. I lost my childhood dog Mika 10 years ago. She was a beautiful Parson Russell Terrier. I’m an only child who moved around a lot, so she was my sister, my best friend, my soulmate.
We had to put her down 10 years ago due to very aggressive cancer. She was struggling to breathe on her own and we all knew it was the best for her, but my mom couldn’t bring herself to say the words out loud. So I was the one that said to the vet “we want to put her down” and the guilt that I chose to kill her haunts me to this day.
This month I finally made the decision to get my own dog, a Jack Russell rescue. It’ll be a few months until I can actually bring one home, but I’ve been talking with the center and preparing the house little by little.
I’m still not sure how this connected in my brain, but since I fixed a date and time to visit the center I’ve been having a full on breakdown over the loss of Mika. I can’t stop crying as if I lost her just this morning.
Yes, I never really got over her death and yes I miss her and still cry occasionally when something reminds me of her. But the grief has been a quiet one for the past few years. My parents recently got their own dog, and we often talk and laugh about the days with Mika and whats similar/different with their new pup.
I tend to suppress my emotions and have delayed emotional processing on a daily basis, but this sudden wave of grief totally took me by surprise. Who would’ve thought a delayed emotional response would sneak up on me a decade later lol
I’m trying to think its my brain finally processing the actual grief of Mika’s loss, that its ok to move on now. I must’ve unconsciously bottled up all this sadness and grief over the years (even though I was outwardly a wreck for the first two years).
I was just wondering if anyone had similar experiences and if bringing in a new dog into your life had any unexpected changes.
Thanks for reading until the end. Writing this made me feel a bit better.