How do you navigate choosing a partner completely outside your culture when you know your parents will be shocked?
I’m 19F and Pashtun/Afghan, and I’m curious to hear from people who have navigated relationships that are very different from what their family/culture traditionally expects.
For context, my family doesn’t necessarily expect me to have an arranged marriage. It’s more that, culturally, there is a strong preference for Afghan/Pashtun people to marry within their own culture, or at least within a similar cultural/ethnic background. There are obviously variations between families, but that’s the general expectation I’ve grown up around.
I’m also not Muslim anymore. I believe in God, but I’m not a practising Muslim and I don’t live my life according to Islamic rules. My parents don’t really know the full extent of that, so there are still conversations where my mum will call me and remind me to pray, remember God, etc. I usually just say “yeah, yeah” because I don’t want to create unnecessary conflict. I know she says it because she loves me and genuinely wants the best for me.
The thing is, I’m currently getting to know someone who is Nigerian and Black.
We’re not even officially together yet. We’re taking things slowly and I’m very conscious that I’m only 19 and that nobody can predict the future. I’m not saying he’s definitely going to be my husband. But we have a very fulfilling connection and, if things continued to develop over the years, I could potentially see myself marrying him and having a family with him.
And THAT is where I think things could become complicated.
It wouldn’t just be that I’m marrying someone my parents didn’t choose. He would be completely outside the cultural expectations they’ve grown up with. He’s Black, Nigerian, from a completely different cultural background, and neither of us are practising Muslims.
If, hypothetically, seven years from now we were genuinely ready to get engaged and married, I know that would probably come as a huge surprise to my parents.
I don’t want to lie about how we met or pretend our relationship happened in a way that fits cultural expectations just to keep everyone happy. I also don’t want to spend my life hiding my relationship from my family.
At the same time, I genuinely love my parents and would want them involved in my life and, ideally, involved in my wedding and future family. I don’t want to intentionally hurt them or make them feel like I’ve rejected them or my culture.
But I also don’t want cultural expectations to ultimately determine who I marry.
I’ve grown up seeing relationships and marriage from a very particular perspective, and I’ve realised that I want something different for myself. If I marry someone, I want it to be because we genuinely love each other, respect each other and consciously choose each other — not simply because we come from compatible backgrounds.
I’m also not saying I would suddenly reject my culture. I still value parts of my Afghan/Pashtun background and I’m sure there are things I would want to pass on to my future children. I just don’t think culture should determine who I’m allowed to love.