In High School and hate my life because of how ugly I am
It all started in september when I was separated from my two closest friends because of drug problems (they where both going through the same problem, but my friend snitched on me when he was greening out and panicking) I didn't want this to happen, obviously, but before this incident I thought life was great and I was just gonna hang out with them everyday and be fine. But instead this happened, and I was going through depression and harshly isolating myself, because I felt like I had no other choice. During this time I was also moderately using Marijuana (Daily but not all the time, maybe every few hours) I would just sit inside and play video games all day after school, but It was extremely hard for me because of all the negative thoughts at the time. Fast forward to now, I hang out with two different groups that I call group A and group B, group A are my og friends that I talked about in the start, I feel like they are a little more popular and well connected with people, but group B feels more real but less popular (I try not to care about that) But with both of them I pray to god I have even the most slightly entertaining summer. Anyway, constantly in my head I'm always thinking i'm so ugly all the time, to the point where I don't feel like a normal person anymore. I feel like everyone else just looks so normal and average but I look like a alien compared to them. My biggest insecurities are my butt, which is way to big for a guy, my jaw which is basically not present, so I do this thing where I'm always pushing my jaw forward when Im around people, my feet are super small (doesn't matter that much) Im like 5'4 so i'm super short for a guy, I'm kinda skinny fat but my nipples kind of poke through my t shirts and it makes me super insecure so just like today, when it's 90 degrees outside, I got a hoodie on. Sometimes I think about suicide or giving up and running away, but I strongly feel that there is too much in the world that I havent seen yet. My biggest dream is just to be normal, I would love to live some random normal kids high school life, not even the most popular kid, just your average fucking guy. Life is so unfair and I lost the life lottery because of my parents shitty genes. I feel like me being ugly prevents me from wearing the clothes I want to wear, acting how I want to act and doing what I want to do. As an ugly guy, acting confident will just make you seem like a joke. Just like everybody in my school already sees me, I don't know if it's because I'm a stoner, because I'm weird and actually have a fucking personality, or because I'm actually ugly. I forgot to make it clear I have no interest in love especially right now in my teenage years, I just hope that as I mature and grow I glow up at least a little bit, or I'm cooked. Anyways, I just needed to get this shit off my chest and I will probably come back and add more later because I easily gain new insecurities and shit. Please let me know if you think I'm weak or if I just need to keep going. Please let me know if you have any advice for me to just try accepting the fact i'm ugly and move on with my life.