u/Training-Ant-8581

10 years ago my lover passed by suicide. I was only 18 years old. He was here,

Then he was gone.

We were both suicidal and related to each other. I felt so close with him because we could talk about how we really felt. But, I never thought he would actually do it. Then…..he did.

Sometimes I wish I never had that experience,

But honestly, it’s possibly safe guarded me from ever killing myself. Knowing the existential feeling of pain and suffering it has caused me, by him passing and “leaving” this life, I have never been able to go through with killing myself.

Anyways…..I felt called to share this bc it’s similiar to how I’m now viewing my ayahuasca experience. Because I am now thinking I might wish I could have never had that experience in order to live peacefully…

I sat for my first time, 3 nights in a row, last February 2025, 1.5 years ago.

I had the “most intense” experience out of anyone there, at least based on what people chose to share.

The third day, I started my period, on day 1. I was previously concerned because I learned that often women are not recommended to sit on their cycles. The facilitator said “forget that, that’s just the patriarchy talking”.

There were many red flags about her, but I was not sure how these ceremonies were put together at the time, and didn’t know the red flags were truly red flags.

Anyways, on night 3, as my cycle had begun, I drank 1st. They had me drink 1st because the first nights it had taken me longer than anyone else for it to hit me.

I felt it within 10 minutes. Immediately, there were 2 hands coming down to my brain,

And instead of laying there, in fear, I got out of my little mat on the floor, and felt I was somewhere I couldn’t comprehend. Like a 15th dimension. Immediately I wanted to leave, and something felt wrong.

The helpers came over, because I was asking “help!” In front of everyone, who were all silent. I usually hate interrupting others experiences, so that was new for me, and that’s how you know I was not in a good place. Because I was willing to make noise.

Anyways, I realize, I have to go to the bathroom,

And that’s when me and the helper realize, I’m bleeding so much, due to being on my period, and that’s how my body is choosing to purge. I was on the toilet for about 1-2 hours (hard to tell), shaking so much, felt hypothermic, and just kept bleeding. No one knew what to do, and I was experiencing the craziest visuals of my life. I was finally carried to a separate bedroom, away from the ceremony space,

Where I kept bleeding, but I think they needed me in a separate space, because of how intense my experience was.

It kept getting more intense, and I couldn’t speak. The facilitator would periodically come into my room and ask “what’s your name??”, which I felt she was checking for if I was conscious or not.

These two light beings were working with me, doing brain surgery on my core beliefs, (this was all very wow and unexpected for me by the way),

The two light beings working with me, said, it’s okay, we know you can’t talk, it’s okay, we’re doing good work, we got you.

The “shaman” came to come check on me, and she looked concerned, but I’m not 100% sure, because I was on Aya. I did hear the whole team, all in my room at one point, talk about me as if they thought I couldn’t hear them, because I couldn’t speak out loud. They said “what did she take?? Did she take a medication?? Go look in her bags!!” Because my experience was so intense??

Meanwhile, it’s making me more scared thinking they don’t know what’s going on, and eventually the shaman comes in because they have decided to give me something to maybe relieve the experience somehow?

She put a tincture of liquid in my mouth, and said “do NOT swallow this”. I still couldn’t speak. She had to open my mouth. I thought it might end my experience or something…and nothing happened. They noticed nothing happened, and got more concerned.

I was seeing so many visuals, and all the while, in contact with these light beings helping me rewire my brain. The only words I could say were the core beliefs they were helping me rewire. Like “I can ask for a hug” and “nothing is wrong” and “it’s okay to like my mom” (my family didn’t like my mom and I felt judgement for liking her).

Anyways….then…after hours of this, the facilitator still periodically coming into the room yelling “what is your name??” And then leaving when I couldn’t answer or move…..

I started to 120% believe,

I was dying. I was brought here, to die.

Something kept trying to get me to ohm, ??, and I was too scared to, I was scared that would mean I was dying.

But it was happening either way….

Now this. This is what I haven’t shook. This is what I wish possibly never happened. I genuinely, 100% thought, I am dying. I couldn’t fight it. I couldn’t hang on. I had to let go. I really realized, I was never going to see my mom again…I was never going to see anyone ever again….and it all started to hit me. I am not over exaggerating when it felt 1000% real. After who ever many minutes of feeling like I was trying to hang on,

I couldn’t. I realize, I had come to the ceremony to die.

And then, I got confused..

All of a sudden it felt like I was going to wake up in a hospital. The shaman and the facilitor came in to check on me…and I thought they were my midwives. I thought I was about to give birth…..

But also die. I can’t remember which came first. I want to be honest with you - and I can’t remember if I felt I was dying first, or if I was giving birth, but either way,

When I had felt like, this,

This is the final moment. Death.

All of a sudden I actually sat up for the first time…..I sat up. On the bed. My eyes were open. And I said out loud “is death not real?” Because I couldn’t beleive….i was alive…what????

So many more things….

But I realize for now, this is what needs to be shared.

I was in a confusion, mixed with Buddha level bliss, shock, and existential feelings after the experience. For months.

It’s been 1.5 years now…

And death. Has been a thought on my mind every single day. I look around a room and think how they are all going to die.

I’ve studied and experienced so much spirituality, immersed myself in the community, I try to live by “love is the answer” and it has helped me immensely.

BUT, at the same time,

If my love had not passed away, I may have come very close to killing myself at this point. I think about how we are on a planet floating through space every day,

All my prayers get answered….i manifest things into reality with my words so much……

It’s……….like every single day is a trip. Life has been a trip.

But I,

I need help.

How am I going to live a life without thinking about this every single day? I don’t know how much longer I can suffer like this. It’s honestly wow.

Side note, the facilitator did not like me, I learned,

Because the guy, my new friend, who invited me to the ceremony, actually romantically liked me.

But SHE liked him. Which I didn’t know until I got there. So the whole time I was the girl who the guy she felt protection of, liked. And I could feel it the whole time. I have tried to forgive her for being human while also being so upset that it impacted my safety.

Anyways, that’s why I didn’t have support after.

I need REAL advice. Real advice…to live. How does one live without searching and feeling the reason of life every single day…
Such…deep thoughts…every single day.

😢