u/Training_Food_5491

I need some outside perspective because I’m extremely hurt right now and I genuinely don’t know how much of my reaction is justified versus emotion.

My mom and I have talked about going to Salem together since I was a kid. I was the little girl running around in capes with a wand, and I’ve always been fascinated by witchcraft and the Salem witch trials. My mom shares some of those interests, and Salem has always felt to me like a special mother-daughter trip we would eventually take together.

My relationship with my mom is complicated. We aren’t particularly close day-to-day. She rarely calls or texts me, I usually see my family maybe four times a year despite them living about an hour away, and there is a long history between my mom and me that has made it difficult for me to trust her emotionally. When we hurt each other, we both tend to get defensive and bite back.

Earlier this year, Mom mentioned wanting to go to Salem. At the time I said I wasn’t comfortable travelling to the US because of the political situation. What I did not understand was that she was going to book this specific trip regardless of whether I could attend.

I recently found out that she had already booked Salem for September 8–11. Apparently the tickets were purchased back in June, but I only learned that the trip was actually booked this week. My sister is now going with her. According to my sister, Mom originally intended to go alone after I declined, and my sister later asked if she could join.

My sister has no particular interest in Salem or witchcraft, but she wants and deserves a vacation and I don’t blame her for joining. In fact, if this trip had been planned around dates I could attend, I would love for all three of us to go together.

The dates are a major problem for me.

I work at a university and September 8–11 is the second week of classes. It’s one of our busiest times and taking four days off would be roughly equivalent to asking my mom to take vacation during her tax-season busy period.

I also have limited vacation time because I need it during the summer for childcare. Using four days now means approximately another $300 in summer camp costs next year.

Financially, the trip would cost my household roughly $3,000 that would go onto debt. We also just had a roughly $7,000 surgery for our dog that we’re paying off, with another ~$500 follow-up coming.

My husband has been incredibly supportive. He told me that if I truly want to go, he will make it work. He would rearrange his work hours around our daughter’s school schedule, involve his parents for pickup if necessary, and accept the additional debt because he knows how important this is to me.

But that feels unfair to my husband and daughter. My whole household would have to make significant financial and logistical concessions to accommodate dates that I had no involvement in choosing.

So I asked Mom and my sister to consider moving the trip to October or even next year so we could all go together. I even offered to pay any cancellation/rebooking costs.

My sister has told me they're not changing it. She sees Salem as somewhere that can simply be visited another time and has explained that they've already spent money on activities, reservations, etc. I understand her perspective, even though Salem doesn't feel interchangeable to me.

My mom has not responded to me at all.

This is where things became ugly.

When I first discovered everything, I sent my mom some very angry messages. I accused her of deliberately hurting me and said some things about her character that I now recognize were cruel. I have apologized for that part. I don’t take back how hurt I am, but I absolutely could have communicated it better.

After sleeping on it, I sent both Mom and my sister a much calmer message. I explained that Salem wasn't simply a destination to me. It was something I believed Mom and I were supposed to experience together. I explained why September is professionally and financially difficult, reiterated that I would happily go at another time, offered to help cover the costs of changing things, and told them that if they still go, I’m going to need some distance afterward because this has hurt me profoundly.

I also told them that I genuinely hope they have a wonderful trip, but I don't think I can handle hearing stories or seeing photos from Salem afterward.

The part I’m struggling with most isn't actually missing Salem.

It’s that I wanted my mom to hear how important doing this together was to me and decide that having me there mattered enough to move the dates.

If there were genuinely no other possible dates, I think I could process that differently. But right now it feels like the date/destination is more important to her than sharing the experience with me.

And because our relationship already has so little contact, this has opened a much larger wound for me. I keep thinking, “Why am I always trying so hard to have a relationship with someone who rarely comes toward me?”

I’m now seriously considering stepping away from my relationship with Mom for a while. Not necessarily permanently, and not as an ultimatum to make her cancel the trip. I just genuinely don’t want to see or speak to her right now. I’m even questioning whether I want to spend Christmas with my side of the family this year.

So I’d really appreciate outside perspectives, particularly from people with difficult parent relationships:

Am I attaching too much meaning to this trip? Is asking them to reschedule unreasonable given that things are already booked? And if they go anyway, is taking several months of distance from my mom a reasonable response, or am I allowing my hurt to turn this into something bigger than it needs to be?