u/TransRobotPrototype

I guess this type of confusion tracks for someone who has only read a 2,000 year old book. 🙄

Had a panic attack over my mom yelling at me earlier. But this one was different. The fit of complete rage has made me realize more about myself. More that I can’t really safely share with anyone.

I was trying to make dinner. My mom had prepared homemade burgers but told me to make some of my own frozen fries because she’d burnt the previous batch.

I go to get a new baking sheet because the other is oversized and I know I need a smaller one to control my portions and avoid overeating (as otherwise my brain says “Empty space! Need more fry.”). Then she whisper-yells at me (my dad is asleep and apparently he deserves respect and not me) for not using the aluminum foil and dirtying up a baking sheet.

I said I didn’t because if I do and my food sticks then it’s an absolute pain in the ass. But to appease her I got out some more foil to line the pan, as I had already thrown the other sheet away. But apparently she hated that too, and yelled at me for “wasting aluminum foil”.

By this point I’m having a panic attack and crying because I can’t fucking win here and I’m scared (I’ll get to that in a minute). Apparently that’s ridiculous and if I wake my dad up over it my mom threatens to “lose [her] fucking mind”. (Mind you, even during a panic attack I was being conscious to not make a significant amount of noise for that reason).

I put the fries away and go to my room. I’ve decided I’m no longer eating as it doesn’t feel safe for me to do so. My mom texts me. Screenshots attached.

I typed up this response. But I decided it might be best not to send it.

“I’m disappointed in the way I’ve been treated when I was little. Screamed at and spanked for things that I didn’t understand, and then screamed at and spanked again for crying or having any emotions related to it because it wasn’t “that bad” and “didn’t hurt”. In many cases I was screamed at and spanked simply for exhibiting traits related to having a literal disability, autism.

“Every time I have a panic attack I’m thinking back to those moments. It’s why I have an extreme fear of failing school or doing anything that disappoints you, and why I never ever talked to you about my problem. In many cases that’s why I do nothing, because I’ve been taught that this is what happens every time I fail even a little, and I’m safest doing nothing at all.

“But you’re probably going to say it wasn’t that bad back then, despite it causing many years of trauma and fear for me.”

I just needed to vent. I’m 17. Almost 18. I feel like this has ripped my life away from me. My relationship with my parents might as well be irreparable, and I don’t receive the guidance from them I need, really ever. My panic attacks have begun straining relationships with my friends (and they’ve said this, and I can’t blame them. Worst part is, I can’t even blame myself. If I could, I would fix it). Leaving this house would absolutely be unsafe but staying here feels like it too.

TL;DR: Mom gets mad at me for having a panic attack after she yelled at me, never realizing she contributed to the trauma herself. I feel all alone.