I just went to my first date in I don't even know how long
This is just a rant because I don't have anyone to talk to.
I've been ace for as long as I remember, but I've just discovered the term about 6 years ago. I'm a 29M middle child, I'm somewhat timid and an introvert. Sometimes I long for that connection, for that person that I could love and be loved back, that spark in life. Don't get me wrong, I'm perfectly happy by myself. I do love my own companionship. But sometimes I get myself wondering how life could be if I had someone to share life's moments, both happy and sad.
My older brother is happily living with his girlfriend, my younger brother is going to marry in November. And I've never dated anyone. Every now and then my parents ask me when I'll bring someone home, and even though I know I'll probably never bring someone, I just shrug and say: any day now. I was feeling alone after talking to someone for a few months only to realise that they did not want anything serious. I mean, why bother to talk to someone if you don't want anything serious? But it is ok, that's life. So I downloaded a dating app.
I met this woman. She is smart, she is beautiful, she is loved by her family, she is an extrovert, she likes to talk more than to listen, she is independent, and she called me cute so many times I started to think she was delusional. But above all, she is allo. I know, I was in the wrong not stating from the beginning that I'm ace, but I really wanted to see how is the dating scene again after so many years. I was a jerk.
I'm not aro, I do like romance, but it takes time for me to get comfortable getting physical like hugs or holding hands. Again, I was in the wrong not stating this to her. I was a jerk.
By the end of our date at the café, we walked to the train station. We were just talking about life, movies, college, music, books. It was a nice and easy conversation. I was starting to warm up to her. But then she wanted to hold hands. I'm not the best at picking up clues, so this could be her being more direct. I was warming up, but not warmed still. I held her hand for a few seconds, realised that I was not warmed, and let go. We resumed our walking towards the train station.
When we got there we sat and waited for her train to come. While we waited we continued to talk. Her train arrived, but she didn't board it, she just said: let's continue to talk, I'm really enjoying it. I felt the same, it wasa pleasant conversation. Another train came and went, and another. The. We ran out of topics and she laid her head against my shoulder. I froze, I was not ready for it. I tensed and she sensed it. She gave me some space. And then something happened; she said that she was going to take the next train and tried to kiss me.
I was not ready for holding hands. I was definitely nowhere near ready for a kiss. So I turned my head and hugged her instead. It was a very uncomfortable hug. So the train arrived and I felt an obligation to at least give her a good hug and so I did. She boarded the train and she sent me a text message: it was really fun, I really liked it and I'm excited about our second date.
I was speechless. How could she say she was excited about a second date? I don't know. Should I tell her I'm ace? Probably. Will I go on a second date? Maybe. Would I be able to kiss her? No. Will she get disappointed when I don't? Probably yes.
Anyways, that's my rant. If you read the whole thing I thank you. If you only read a part of it I thank you all the same. Always remember: life is beautiful.