u/Tricky-Tomorrow-

⚠️⚠️⚠️TRIGGGER WARNING: mentions of substance use, mention of g*ns, mentions of toxic relationships ⚠️⚠️⚠️

To start, I want to say that I (25f) love my brother, “Jacob” (26m) very much. We had a hard life growing up; our mother passed when we were 10/11 and things for him seemingly one went downhill from there. Jacob has always been the “weird” kid. He’s awkward, tries to make unfunny edgy jokes all the time, and being albino doesn’t really help. Despite having other half siblings, Jacob was my only fully related sibling and we were the closest. Looking back I can confidently say he’s most likely on the spectrum but not only did we not have the the vocabulary or understanding of autism, but once our mom was gone we didn’t have anyone who really cared. We got sent to live with some shitty (ab*sive) relatives after our mom passed, but after Jacob kept messing up in school and getting into arguments with them, we were separated and he was sent to live in another state with another relative right after starting high school.

Since then our lives took very drastic changes in direction. I eventually ended up in the psych ward, which helped me out of my living situation but also forced me into therapy, which I really enjoyed. I was in a group home for a while and ended up being sent to live with yet another relative. Despite them not being much better, I had a lot of freedom and was able to go to a much better school. I was on my own once I hit 18, which also wasn’t great but I learned a lot about myself and was even able to take college courses for a while. Now, I’m happily married to my best friend from that high school, working on my BA degree and pursuing a career in special education.

Things for Jacob, however, went very differently. The relative he lived with was old and had very outdated views on education, career choices, discipline and other things that Jacob disagreed with. They lived in the middle of nowhere, which made getting to/from school and jobs difficult. He began to not only resent the relative, but the whole world. He also became convinced that HE knew better than anyone else when it came to just about anything. At one point he got mixed up with red-pilled organizations, then some pretty racist ones. His “humor” turned into 4chan level harassment and attempts to bait people into reacting. At one point in my early 20s I’d invited him over to spend the weekend with me and my then-boyfriend. By the end of it, we’d come to the understanding of never wanting him in our home again. At one point Jacob decided that he wanted to live a “nomadic” life by living in his car for a few years and driving around the country doing odd jobs. And honestly, it seemed to be doing him some good. He became calmer and a lot more level headed, so I thought he was on a better path…until he met his girlfriend.

Another major issue my brother has is his choice in women. He seeks out women with issues that he feels like need fixing; that way he can feel as if he’s responsible for any progress they make in life, and he can blame them for any issues. They never last and he’s always the one dumped, but I always ended up hearing a rant about how they should’ve been lucky he even looked their way. His latest girlfriend, Becky, is apparently a “frequent user” of pharmaceuticals. He met her and within 3 or 4 months he want from telling me how much he loved her to telling me that he doesn’t trust her, she’s incapable of making proper decisions for herself, and basically positioning himself as her savior. He even insisted that he knew better than her rehab doctors and that her therapist was “too easy” on her. Within 5 months of dating, they were engaged.

A month or two later he was on a rant about she allegedly cheated on him with her ex, who also happened to be her substance provider. And he knows this because he’d often FOLLOW HER AROUND when she went out. He said that she had ghosted him for days and when she finally answered the phone, she told him she didn’t want to be with him. Instead of accepting that, he camped out in front of the guys house until the police were called and he was trespassed!!! Then he took to social media to call her every name in the book! I had to tell him he was acting absolutely insane and he needed to leave her alone. He said he would, then, two weeks later they were back together 🤦🏽‍♀️. I told Jacob that the relationship was clearly toxic and they were not good for each other. Becky needed to stop dragging him along and focus on her recovery, and he needed to stop trying to control her and get his own mental health help before things got worse. Naturally, he ignored me. Becky eventually reached out to me because she wanted to get to know her “future sister in law” and I told her the same thing. That night she informed me that Jacob had told her not to speak to me because I didn’t want them together.

Cut to last week, about a year into them dating, I get a message from Becky. It was a long paragraph stating that my brother was incarcerated and that she needed money to help bail him out with NO other relevant details. I assumed the best case scenario was that she had relapsed and this was some ploy to get money for more substances. At worst, she had relapsed and Jacob had broken the trespassing order to go after her, but he’d ultimately be out in a couple days. I asked for more information and she sent me a social media post with his MUGSHOT. Still skeptical, I took the information from the post and searched online. There it was; multiple first degree felony charges for breaking into a house and assaulting a man with a g*n. My heart dropped. I asked Becky very plainly “what happened”. She responded “I relapsed”. Then I ask “who is the man”? Her response, “my ex”.

From the digging I’ve done, the story goes as follows: Becky once again started disappearing to her ex’s again for substances. Jacob finds out, they have some kind of conversation and it ends with him driving to the ex’s house with a r*fle. It’s unclear how he got in; some articles say “his girlfriend had a key and opened the door” others say he barged in. Becky won’t say anything beyond “I should’ve stopped him” “there was nothing I could do” “he was so set on it” etc. Apparently the guy was LIVE STREAMING when Jacob got upstairs and began confronting him. The argument went from words to wrestling over the g*n and it going off twice. One in the guys leg and one in Jacob’s. The guy ran for the door with Jacob firing, and thankfully missing every shot. He then took off and convinced himself that because the guy was a substance supplier, he wouldn’t go to the cops or wouldn’t be taken seriously. He began operating as if everything was fine, they went on dates and hung around her family as if everything was normal. He even texted me and we made plans to take a trip to visit family in a few months. He sent me and my husband memes at least a few times a week for OVER A MONTH before finally being arrested.

Now, Becky is asking me to go around our family to help bond him out and pay for a good defense attorney. He could’ve called me at any point prior and told me what was going on. I would’ve called him a dummy and some other words I can’t say on here, but I could’ve helped him come up with a plan for representation and heard his side of things. But instead I have this girl who I know can’t be trusted with money, and won’t give me a straight answer, asking for thousands on a daily basis. And asking ME to be the one who breaks the news to the rest of our family.

I’ve told a handful of family members whose contact info I do have, and they said they’d tell the others. I’m sure they’re coming up with a plan for paying those things but I don’t want to ask. And I don’t want to contribute. I might put money on his books here and there, and send messages, but I don’t want any part in trying to get Jacob out of this situation. I’m mad at him. And hurt. And sad. We have other, much older, siblings who’ve faced legal trouble and even been to prison. But we convinced ourselves that it was because they grew up during a different time; they ran the streets, were involved with gangs and activities that would land them in trouble, but they also didn’t have the emotional support that Jacob and I have always had with each other. Even states away, I was there for it all. I begged him not to keep getting involved with Becky’s antics and he pushed me away and got worse. Then casually came back and had the nerve to make plans with me, knowing what he’d done. My husband and I had an intimate courthouse wedding but have been planning an actual ceremony that he likely will not be apart of. We plan to start having children within the next 5 years. Our little sister graduates high school next year, and our little brother graduates college in 2. Each one of his charges range from 3-15 years. And just from the information we do have it’s going to be an extremely difficult one to beat. I’m so angry and sad and don’t know what to do. He definitely needs mental help, to be away from everything he was previously doing, and to face the consequences of his actions but I don’t know if prison is the right answer or if he may just wind up worse.

TLDR: my director told me not to write incident reports unless a child has a mark and keeps ignoring violent behavior

Context: I (25f) work at a childcare center that has a pretty good reputation, but after working here for nearly a year I’ve come to realize that it’s a facade. Lies, manipulation, and strategic networking are what holds this place together. Extremely high teacher turnover rate (no one stays longer than a year), things are rarely reported, the owner claims to be personal friends with our licensor, and nearly half of the kids are related to her or the director in some way. Anytime a teacher speaks up or against anything going on, they’re dismissed, fired or pressured to quit, then stories are spun about them being dangerous/unstable, a thief, etc.

Today’s issue of the day is incident reporting. We have one toddler student (“Adam”) who has been here for about 6 months and had been a terror. Cursing, hitting, biting, spitting, head butting, running out the room etc. He has a difficult home situation, so I understand that he needs someone who can be a bit more patient. The issue is that the one teacher who had been making genuine progress with him quit, was painted as aggressive/scary/mentally ill, and had the police threatened to be called on her, so she said no when they asked her to come back. In her place is a teenager with no experience. A floater that they pressured into agreeing to take over the classroom. She’s recently pregnant and been punched in the stomach multiple times and bitten to the point of breaking skin. Nothing has been done about it.

There’s also another toddler (“James”), who has been getting beat up by this kid. James is by no means a “weak” kid, but he’s not a fighter and this is beyond typical toddler behavior. I watch all the toddlers at the end of the day and last week, I witnessed Adam punch James in the stomach so hard that James fell over. Naturally, I wrote it up and told the parents. Jame’s mother took a picture of the incident report and informed me that there had been multiple other instances in the past month of the same student hitting her son. She’d never been given a copy of the report, as far as she knows none of them have been filed and nothing has been done about it, so she intended to keep her own record. Today, Adam was hitting James again and James began flinching whenever Adam got close. I helped their teacher write up the incident, and minutes later Adam ran out the classroom and down the hall.

Over the walkie I could hear the girl yelling for the director to help and the director telling her no, she’s cleaning the kitchen right now and to ask one of the infant teachers for help. The infant teacher is an old woman and she ran down the hallway chasing this kid, with a baby on her hip. The young teacher knocked on my door crying saying she’s so overwhelmed, and asked if I could take James into my room. Adam tried to hit James again, when she moved Adam into a different area he head butted her in the nose and took off. She doesn’t know what to do, but she’s ready to quit, and might need to go to urgent care.

Parents start showing up during this mess, so out comes the director ready to save face. She makes a scene of taking Adam down the hall, announcing that she’s sending him home (it’s already after 4:30, he gets picked up around 5) and he’ll be suspended for his behavior (one day). When Jame’s dad comes to pick him up, the teacher begins explaining what occurred today and he’s visibly upset. He asks me what the process is for these behaviors and I explain what is SUPPOSED to happen is phone calls, sending him home, a meeting with the parents and then eventual suspension. He asks what part we’re at because his son tells them on a nearly daily basis that he’s being hit or pushed, and he wants to know when there will be a sit down meeting between parents. Before I can answer, in comes the director, boasting about how “unacceptable” this was and how “we don’t play” when it comes to hitting, so he’ll be suspended for one day. When the father asked, again, when there will be a sit down meeting between parents, she basically told him that it was HIS responsibility to call and schedule one when he’s free before walking away.

As soon as the parent left she came to me and said I shouldn’t have written an incident report because James didn’t have any marks on him. Later on she reiterated this to me and when I began pushing back saying there SHOULD be documentation of children being consistently hurt, even if it doesn’t result in a bruise, she rephrased and claimed she had only said we don’t “have to” write an incident report unless a kid is marked. I pushed back further and asked her if a child falls off of something or is hit in the face, she wouldn’t write it down. Then she backtracked completely and said that SHE always does an incident report when children get hurt and it’s important to have documentation for security… it was like a flip switched… and then switched back because she immediately went back to saying we didn’t “have to” report anything unless a kid is bruised or skin breaks.

What do I do now? Jame’s parents already feel like their son isn’t being protected and the director is telling us that we shouldn’t even be documenting it. It only needs to be mentioned in passing as if it was a small alteration while playing rather than a persistent issue that isn’t being addressed. Any advice is appreciated