EMDR Therapy for Performance Anxiety (Excessive Shaking)
Long post ahead!
Desperately in search of help with performance anxiety and GAD.
Has anyone experienced success/progress with EMDR therapy helping their performance anxiety (mainly shaking bow hand and intrusive thoughts)? Or what has helped people accept and overcome these physical symptoms while performing.
I've played the violin for over 20 years and my career is currently performing and teaching as a professional violinist in my city's main symphony orchestra. When I was young I did not really suffer from any excessive nerves while playing or performing, I would only get a little nervous, with my physical symptoms not going further than a dry mouth and maybe a slightly faster heartbeat/little sweat.
This all changed once I was around 16 years old. Suddenly I would get horribly shaky when performing, the change felt as if it happened overnight. A couple of shaky performances over a few months really affected my self esteem, as unfortunately being a "good" violinist was a huge part of my identity and self-worth. Playing the violin was what I was known for around my school/city, and it was important to me to keep up this persona.
In search of help, I was instantly given beta blockers (propanolol) when I was 16 by musicians I trusted around me (without ever visiting a doctor). Beta blockers worked instantly and I was very happy to have found a working solution. At that age I never really questioned my usage of them, the fact that I was taking heart medication didn't really bother me at the time.
Over the next decade I grew very dependant on beta blockers. When I was 16 and above, and in my undergrad years, I would have taken them only for performance class at school or at competitions, concertmaster solos etc. however as I got older and progressed professionally I ended up taking them for virtually everything... even private lessons if I was playing for someone unknown!I
A few years ago I was on trial for a job with an orchestra and it suddenly dawned on me how terrible it was that I was this dependant on beta blockers. Every day I'd be taking 20mg of propranolol if I had 2 calls in that day. At this time I felt very low and tired every day, and frustrated as I felt the medication affected my ability to exercise and think clearly.
I decided to quit my trial for a few reasons, but one of those reasons was to pursue more study with the intention of weaning myself off beta blockers.
When back at school I unfortunately didn't have the courage to fully quit beta blockers when performing solo... I only got to the point where I could do lessons and play in orchestra without them, as well as a couple of gigs without them, and was again confronted with the awful shaky sensations that come when I perform, but it was something! I also was able to perform in professional orchestras a few times without them, which was a huge achievement for me- I felt very proud of myself for that. However unfortunately while performing I would constantly be focusing and observing my anxiety levels on stage... instead of the actual music!! My enjoyment of making music had reached a tipping point.
Anyway, since then looking for any symptoms of performance anxiety/bow shakes has become a huge mind game.
Lately it's been the worst it ever has been. Almost 2 years ago now I had to perform a piece in a chamber orchestra that has very soft and slow notes. In one of the performances I remember feeling an extremely shocking sensation in my body, my heart lurched (as much as it could on beta blockers) and a feeling of total dread filled me and I felt like I could almost pass out. I wonder if it could have been an anxiety attack of sorts? Since this experience, my bow hand/arm will now shake on slow notes even when I'm alone practising in a room. It's like my body has memorised the feeling of loosing control. I really don't know what is happening to me and wonder if I've developed focal dystonia as a result of all this stress. On the job if I feel exposed during soft, quite long notes, or soft off the string playing it's like I loose control of my arm. It's been really tough.
A year ago I started seeing a therapist about my anxiety but ended up very frustrated with the process as months of therapy resulted in being suggested an SSRI prescription, which I don't want to do.... the whole point of therapy was trying to be medication free!!
Lately I'm interested in EMDR and curious if anyone has found it helpful. If so I would love some therapist suggestions, I'm open to any country in terms of seeking help as I hear that it's an effective treatment online. Appreciate any thoughts or help, thank you!