I feel very behind in this world and alone, I’m grieving the childhood and schooling I had early on.
Hi there,
I wanted to share my story and hear advice from others’ who maybe had a similar upbringing. I was in a small Pentecostal school next to the church but it was the “mega” church of our town. I went there from Kindergarten up until 5th grade until the school closed due to less student being enrolled in the “middle and high school classes”. We were using the A Beka program from kindergarten up until 3rd grade and transferred to the PACES or ACE program. I was bullied horribly especially for my smaller eyes and slightly tan skin since I’m a white mixed native girl, kids would make fun of me saying I was a Chink, or run around me in a circle with their hands covering and making a “war whoop” sound just to make me cry.
A couple of pastors boys would hit me, throw rocks at me, and one time especially this boy got mad at me and chased me around gym grabbing my hair in a ponytail and slamming me on the gym floor. He tried to get on top of me and I think he was trying to choke me, I was able to get away and ran into the girls’ bathroom and slid under the stall to hide. A girl was in the stall using it and started screaming, I ran into a different stall and stayed hidden while crying silently. A teacher came in and punished me for going under the stall and scaring the girl and didn’t try to hear me out and of course the pastors sun didn’t get in trouble. Instead I was suspended, and the next day the teacher put us together and started saying we needed to pray for each other to become friends. This was part of the hell I experienced daily before going to public school, but the exposure of being isolated from everything and being taught girls needed to be submissive it brainwashed me I’m so glad I made it out later on, but I’m grieving for this poor girl that was me in an cult environment like that. I feel like I am now playing catch up with the world and giving myself grace while trying to learn actual science for the first time and Writing since I never learned grammar the correct way. My parents always told me I had learning difficulties and tried to have me learn more on how to be a house wife and get experience to work with children than to get me the help I need to achieve college, yet they invested in my younger sister to go to a four year after she graduated and has more of a chance since she didn’t rebel much in school like I did and at home.
It saddens me how much I’ve lost those precious years ago and it’s something I’m working on in therapy. I have a huge curiosity for our world and how science comes up with hypothesis and experiments to understand the world around us better. It’s motivating but I’m scared to go to school and get a degree since my fundamental education wasn’t accredited, but my public education from 6-12 was public and I struggled heavily. Would there be hope potentially for me to be successful in this world and be able to get an education. I also struggle to make friends in my adult life now, I’d love to be able to have a wonderful friend groups and go do things together. But it’s very hard to socialize or go do things and make those connections or knowing how to.
Any advice is appreciated.