I'm broken, what should I do??
Assalamualeykum brothers and sisters. This is going to be a long read but I need advice.
I'm 21F, born and raised in Kenya. I come from a typical Somali household. I'm in my final year in Uni. My parents are the "African parents" the ones who never apologise, are never wrong and it's either their way or the highway. Growing up I was the good child, I obey everything they say, I pass my exams, I make them proud I even pursued a course that they wanted me to do not one that I wanted.
For context, I'm staying with my aunt in a different city coz of school, my dad is in a different city for work and my mom is at home which is also another county. So this semester is my last semester and in my school the finalists are always prioritised when it comes to educational trips and it's mandatory.The first trip was on 4th , a da'wah trip. I told my dad and he was okay with it. Saturday came and we left. It's a 4½ drive but in my country a school bus isn't allowed to exceed a certain speed when carrying students so it took us 5½. We got there alx and after the da'wah we were taken to a museum, then a sanctuary then we went for boat riding,horse riding and other fun activities. Before we knew it, it was already asr. So after asr we ate and left at around 5:30 pm.
Before we left, my mom called me and I told her the fun we had and the time that we were to leave. After we left, around 7pm she called me then I told her that we're being stopped at every police checkpoint because again this is a university bus and school buses shouldn't be on the road when it's getting dark for security reasons. She started shouting at me telling me why I even went for the trip, why I didn't leave early, that it's late and I shouldn't be out this late. I tried explaining telling her there's no way I could've left early yet I came with all these people and the stuff wouldn't have let me leave just like that. She hang up before I even finished explaining and she called my dad.
After some few minutes I got a call from my dad and he also started shouting at me telling me how he regrets letting me go. He said that there are boys in that bus who even knows what you are doing in there. I was dumbfounded I didn't even know what to say. He continued telling me to fear Allah and I'm like what have I doneee?? It was a Muslim trip and we were not free mixing walahi and I had already told him that. And we had the Muslim association staff there there's nothing that we would have done even if we wanted to do sth bad . He was saying a lot of hurtful things and shouting at me without even listening to anything I say. He hang up mid convo too.
Then again my mom called telling me I'm shaytan because it's only shaytan that is out at night. Let it be known that I have never disrespected this people, never talked bad ,everything good about a good child name it. She said that my dad told her that she should be advising me that his daughters have never brought shame to him and were married off with their dignity. (He has a first wife who's older than my mom and her kids are all grown and working) She then asked who was seated next to me and before I answered she told me to pass the phone. She talked to the girl to "confirm" or make sure that I was speaking the truth. I was HUURRTT walahi and tears just rolled down my cheek uncontrollably. She then asked the girl to pass the phone to the driver and the patron.
My dad called again saying that he even regrets taking me to school because school is the reason why I was out that late. This words came out of the mouth of the biggest advocate for girls education. He even took his nieces from back home and took them to school. I was broken and confused walahi because what had I done??
Long story short, they kept calling and calling and saying all kinds of hurtful words. And when I tried reassuring them it was all in vain so I decided to just be quiet because I didn't want to disrespect them and when I went silent it was trouble too. They then called my aunt and her husband and told them to wait for me on the road which was worse because I was receiving calls from 4 people of which 3 were shouting and saying all sorts of things. My aunt's husband is the one who talked to me nicely.
At last I got home and immediately I entered the house with my uncle, my aunt said I have inkar and I'm a walking inkar because I made them worry and unsettled and that I've kept my parents awake all night and that I'm a hard headed shaytan who doesn't have sympathy. Yooooh I cried and cried because what did I doooh?? Btw, I got home at around 11 on the dot.
The next day, I didn't talk to anyone I was just in my room. In the evening my dad called and I didn't pick. He wanted to ask about the money that was needed on Monday at school. I should've picked but tbh I wasn't in the mood ,I was crying, crashing out and their words were replaying in my mind. He then called my mom to tell her I've blocked him and that he's struggling because of me but I'm not appreciating. (I'm in a private university and it's kinda expensive and I'm self sponsored meaning he pays for everything. Had he let me do the course I wanted he wouldn't be paying all this money.)
And don't get me wrong, I always appreciated them, I told them I was going to give back to them and that their efforts were not in vain. So now they're not talking to me, my mom even called me last night to tell me how would my aunt's husband think of a girl who comes home in the middle of the night. That what will people say about a girl who gets mad at her parents who only cared about her. They've been overprotective and extremely strict but this... this was too much.
Now, what do I do?? I had $uicida1 thoughts, been thinking of cutting ties but I fear Allah. I even thought of just running away.