Numb and wanting to disappear.
I (42f) have been married to my (43m) husband for 15 years. Things are decent enough, but I'm just so exhausted all the time and I am trying not to fall apart at the seams or feel utterly done or disgusted by a lot of things.
For context, I met my husband online while living in a toxic environment and moved down to meet him, and see if maybe I needed a change of scenery in order to grow. We had a whirlwind romance and married a little more than two weeks after I moved. We've a total of four kids. The older two are adults (23tm and 19nb) and mine from previous relationships, while the younger two are with my husband (12m and 6f). It's been... interesting to say the least. I've been a stay-at-homemom for almost 13 years now and it's slowly killing me.
I have undiagnosed depression, anxiety, and more than likely some other neurodivergent issue; have had them for many years but have never been able to afford diagnosis, treatment/therapy, and/or medication. My husband knew this from the beginning, but was incredibly dismissive then. That should have been a red flag for me, especially when he was dismissive to my OB/GYN about why I was crying when in for a routine checkup while pregnant with our youngest, but after having left a mentally and emotionally abusive relationship and environment (and still struggling with the trauma of it), I ignored it. He's gotten a bit better about it and occasionally stays home rather than working overtime shifts to take care of the kids.
Over the years, I've just felt like things (mostly me) just don't matter any more. Sure, my husband isn't as dismissive of my depression or mental issues (no longer tells me that it's in the past or to get over it), but I'm trying to not feel increasingly disgusted by how insensitive he is to social issues surrounding women, or how he subconsciously objectifies/sexualizes me, namely when he comments on my body or gets obviously disappointed when I turn down his advances or tell him I'm not in the mood when he asks.
For me, it's a bit of a turn off to be asked especially when I'm having to make decisions for everyone in the house, be our kids' braincell as the 19 and 12 year old apparently love to weaponize incompetence, take care of the errands, chauffeur-ing, and make sure the pets don't starve... I really don't want to have to make decisions for my husband. The other turn off is that he just doesn't read the room, fails to notice the mental load I carry, or keeps forgetting to take into consideration that it takes more than a breeze to put me in the mood.
I gave up my old life, everyone and everything I knew before my marriage in hopes of a better life. I didn't realize how isolating it would be, especially given how narcissistic and hypocritically classist my husband's family is. They only reach out to me if they need something from me, otherwise it's my husband that they talk to (almost on a daily basis). My own family is disjointed at best or completely estranged and cut ties with at worst. And the worst part is that we live on his family's property, out in what feels like the middle of nowhere with everything being at least a 30 drive away with the nearest neighbor is a good 10+ minute walk. I have no friends here and less than a handful of friends that I had before moving still keep in contact with me.
Honestly, I'm just so exhausted by everything, everyone and life that on somewhat decent but still exhausting days I feel numb. Others, I want to walk away and disappear, but I end up feeling dejected because I haven't the money or means to do so. And on my bad days, I just don't want to exist any more, feel like my kids would have turned out better if I hadn't existed, that the world would be better without me.
Logically, I know that isn't true... or that people will say that isn't true... but I just... I'm tired. The people who I knew 100% without a doubt to care and love without conditions, without strings attached or ulterior motives, who were honest without being cruel and were true to themselves unfortunately passed away (the first when I was 13 and the last was about a year ago). So, it's hard to feel like anyone cares, that I matter or have made any kind of difference in anyone's life.